Emotions: Natural vs. Manufactured

Hi there, folks. For those of you thoroughly uninterested in fashion, I apologize for the last 3 posts. Go on and ignore them and tune in to today's topic: Natural vs. Manufactured Emotions.

I'd like to talk about two different states of emotions so that we can talk about how to work through them. The first category is Natural Emotions. Natural emotions are hard-wired - we all have them. These are emotions that have been found throughout human generations and across many, many different cultures. See the research of Paul Ekman, Ph.D. for more information. By hard-wired, I mean that these emotions are biologically-driven. Certain life experiences and situations are naturally bound to elicit these hard-wired emotions.

For example, when a loved one passes away, a natural emotion is sadness and grief in response to a loss.

When you see an attractive potential mate, natural emotional responses are arousal or lust (disclaimer: it is not hard-wired to act on these feelings).

When you encounter a something smelling or icky (e.g., stinky old food in the fridge, certain kinds of injuries if you aren't desensitized to them), disgust is a natural emotion to have.

Natural emotions, if allowed to be felt, run their course and dissipate on their own! All you need to do is allow yourself to feel them. A very funny (though crude, at times, be forewarned) comedian gives an excellent description of responses to natural emotions. I'd like to share it here because I think he explains the way natural emotions can be felt and dissipate. As a disclaimer, this is a pretty simplistic and comedically-oriented explanation, but I think it works just fine for our purposes. He starts talking about emotions and our modern approach to them (unhealthy distraction) at 00:56.

He talks about how we always have this "forever empty" inside of us - I like to think of that as comedic hyperbole and don't agree with that. Overall, though, he gives a good description about how if we just simply sit with natural emotion, allow ourselves to feel and process it, it dissipates and fades away.

The other, likely more common (depending on your personality and current circumstances), state of emotions that shows up for lots of people is Manufactured Emotion.

Manufactured emotions are not hard-wired or biologically-driven. They are produced by the way we are thinking, or viewing the world. Our thoughts produce many, many of our emotions and many of the negative emotions people feel day-to-day can be altered depending on how they are thinking.

While natural emotions dissipate if you sit with them, in contrast, manufactured emotions simply persist the more you sit with them. If you simply sit and stew with the same unhelpful thinking, the resultant negative emotions will often simply grow stronger rather than fade away.

Therefore, with manufactured emotions, you want to notice your thinking style and see if you can adjust it to make your thinking more balanced.

This is a very simplistic way of describing Cognitive Therapy. If you are interested in learning more about how to adjust your thinking style, there are tons of resources available. It is often helpful to talk with a professional about your thinking style because it can be really tricky to catch and address your thoughts all by yourself. I encourage you to seek professional help from a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist trained in Cognitive Therapy if you are interested in learning more about professional resources for maladaptive thinking styles.

To sum up -

Natural emotion, sit with it, let it ride through you, and let it fade away!

Manufactured [negative] emotions: notice the thinking that came right before the emotions showed up and see if you can find a more balanced way of looking at things!

I'll give more information on balanced thinking in a later post.

Feel more, do less :).

Personal Stylist: Part III

This is the third part in the series Outsourcing for Women: Personal Stylist.

Let’s switch gears and consider the savings that I noticed through this experience.

Savings, so far – 

·      $50 in dry cleaning services I no longer needed

o   I got the tip from my stylist that if something looks fine, but just has body odor – turn it inside out and spritz it with a mixture of half vodka/half water. It kills the  odor-causing bacteria and the vodka odor evaporates, as well. (Not recommended for silk, FYI).

o   And, just in case it isn't obvious, you'll still need to go to the dry cleaner for stains and more thorough cleaning. But, for quick fixes here and there and to disinfect slight odor, vodka is your answer ;)

·      $100 in “new” shoes

o   I had a beautiful pair of Frye flats that I bought EIGHT years ago and had hardly ever worn. I thought they were beautiful and I loved them, but they were total jerks that blistered my heels up like I couldn’t believe. I just kept carting them around (and this includes from New York state, to Oxford, England, to Pennsylvania, to Connecticut, to California…) hoping that they would soften up. No freaking luck.

o   Stylist recommended shoe trees and sent me a link to the perfect one – 10 days of shoe trees in them and they’re beautifully wearable! Simple tip that I never would’ve thought up on my own.

·      $40 in a “new” accessory

o   I had a long, golden, beaded necklace that I never wore because it would spin around on my neck and rip out little neck hairs. Ew! And Ow! But, because I loved the way it looked, it had also been carted around (same places as the flats).

o   Stylist took one look at it and as we continued our conversation spun it around my wrist and clasped it. It was a rocking gold bracelet that ended up being 1.5 inches thick and looked beautiful and very unique. I wore it nonstop for the next 2 weeks and loved getting regular compliments, as well as questions like, “is it real gold?” (it’s not, but I’ll take the compliments!)

·      $50 in a “new” shirt

o   I was ready to chuck a button-down shirt that was so blousy and big on me, I ended up looking shlubby in it. Stylist helped me figure out a way to wear it and a special way to roll the sleeves that took into account the way the pattern varied from the sleeve to the cuff – something I had never even noticed. Suddenly, it looked really fashionable and well-suited to me! I was ready to toss it and she made it one of my new favorites!

·      $80 in a “new” cashmere sweater

o   I had a beautiful cashmere sweater I had been carting around since high school. It was something my mother had bought on deep discount at an outlet store for me and I really loved it. But, it was a deep V-neck that ended up being overly 90’s vampy because the sleeves would often both slip down at the same time. It sat for years because I certainly didn’t want a nip slip happening to me.

o   Stylist recommended topstick – double-sided toupee tape – to tape underneath the sweater to my skin so it no longer would slide off. Suddenly I had a beautiful cashmere sweater I could wear without worrying about it falling all over the place! Score.

o   Side note – I’d heard of red carpet celebrities using double-sided tape to keep extravagant ball gowns strategically pinned down, but never thought of using it myself. Stylist gave me a sample, showed me how to use it, and sent me a link to buy it online. Barriers to wearing my sweater completely removed.

OK, so savings thus far - $320.

$454 - $320 = $134. Not too bad!

Also, there are other benefits/sources of savings that aren’t tabulated above because I don’t want to inflate my monetary results.

• ·      First of all, I had stopped stress/procrastination shopping. When I felt the urge to browse online, I remembered that I now had expert help and didn’t need to waste my time getting stuff I didn’t like. I could wait until I had better shopping skills to shop on my own. For now, I was only shopping with stylist. I warrant to say that avoiding stress shopping has saved me quite a penny. In addition, it helped me practice more skills to manage stress like walks and phone calls and tea breaks and music.

• ·      Second, on an environmental level I was really happy to tailor so many of my clothes so they felt and looked like new. The environmental costs of the “fast fashion” industry are extremely high. We are taxing resources by producing and shipping clothes all over the world, not to mention the waste that’s caused by piling all of our discarded, cheap threads in landfills. As an environmentally-conscious person, I wanted to stay away from cheap stuff that would end up in the trash 6 months later and was happy to be able to preserve and just revamp so much of what I already had. I realized through this experience you don’t have to sacrifice fashion to be environmentally-conscious. A lot of what you have can likely be tailored, patched, mended, dyed, or reimagined to look and feel brand new.

• Third, I had a fresh pair of eyes even before our first appointment together. I knew that a stranger was going to be coming in and cleaning through my closet, so I purged in advance a little. I also had a fresh set of eyes on a couple of purses that I hardly ever used, but were really nice. I had bought them long ago (similar to the Frye flats - probably both like 8 years ago when I worked in retail and had great discounts and my parents helping/supporting me with finances). I noticed that I hadn't been using a beautiful leather bag. I pulled it out of the back of my closet, did a quick trip to get some leather moisturizer, and gave it a quick moisterizing treatment. I know, sounds high maintenance, but, really, it made it look so beautiful and special. For animal love reasons, I choose faux leather most of the time and this real leather purchase was long ago. But, if you're going to have real leather, make it count and make it last. Buy something that you will keep for 10, 20, or more years, rather than getting some cheap leather that will burn out quickly. And make good use of cobblers and other products like leather moisturizers. I have a great pair of everyday leather flats that I have taken to the cobbler around 5 times (they are also ~8 years old). [Notice a pattern? Eight years ago was when I was really getting quality items that I kept around for a while. Those items are still here! That's what I'm shooting for - getting items I'll want to keep for 8, 10, 20 years.] Back to the cobbler - he resoles them and restains the leather and they keep looking fresh. In fact, leather is one of those materials that gets more distinguished with age - kinda like a really sexy man. There are services and treatments that will make your products last much longer than we're used to expecting. A really great leather item is something that, with great care, can get passed on for generations! (I didn't tabulate this in the savings above because I had this idea before meeting with Miss Stylist.)

• Fourth, Stylist noticed that I kept visiting one store over and over again. I had a disproportionate amount of clothes from this store - which is a mid-to-upper level store that sells nice looking clothes for those who want to look professional. It was my go to place - but the fit and sizing were all wrong for me. And, it was making me look a lot more serious and older than I really wanted to look. By trying to look "professional," I was kind of aging myself. I'm in my 20s - I'd like to look it. She noticed this trend and told me (gently) to simply stop going into that store. We would find other places in which I would find items better suited to me and I would have to stop using that as an ill-fitting crutch. Thanks for the tip! No more wasting money there.

• Fifth, it was really fun! It was such a unique experience to do something that I consciously knew was “extravagant,” but I really felt excited about. I had thought long and hard about this and didn’t have any guilt in it. When I would shop before, my motivation would be to get away from feelings of grumpy deprivation. So, I’d “binge” on cheap clothes, then feel guilty and unsatisfied and STILL deprived afterwards. I had broken the diet/binge/diet/binge pattern in my eating habits long ago (and hence, the effortless weight loss mentioned above) and was ready to apply that same mentality to my wardrobe. I felt liberated from those unhealthy habits and excited about this new experience. Spending time with the stylist was fun and I really valued her expertise and opinion. 

At the end of the closet purge appointment, Stylist had put together a shopping list for me and we scheduled our next meeting. We are going to meet at the mall, and she's going to go to all the stores and pull the clothes ahead of time – totally included in her hourly fee that we were going to spend together. So, even before I got there, she's going to have been walking all around getting dressing rooms ready for me. How fantastic and luxurious and amazing.

I’m really excited and can’t wait to tell you more. Overall, this aspect of outsourcing has been really positive for me – I’m happier with my wardrobe, happier with my outfits, more confident in my appearance, taking more effective care of my stressful emotions, and no longer dipping into shopping experiences that are frustrating and guilt-inducing.

More positive emotions + less negative emotions --> all around good stuff.

Personal Stylist: Part II

Second part in the Outsourcing for Women series, particularly devoted to Personal Stylist.

I had booked my first session and decided to start with the closet purge. I wanted to show her what I already had an wanted her opinion on the best value items to add some quality and versatility to my wardrobe. My first session started with a free 30-minute image consultation where I went through a binder of magazine images and showed her what I really liked, and what really wasn’t part of my desired look. She also got information on my lifestyle, habits, and budget.

Next, she went through my wardrobe and helped me identify what was no longer worth keeping, what was great, and what was great with revamped sizing from the tailor. She complimented me on my jeans and my shoe collection, and luckily saw very little need there, so our budget was going to be better used towards those tee shirts I’d been hunting for and accessories. She worked really fast and efficiently, even despite sneezing attacks because I hadn’t vacuumed my closet and there was definitely some dust. I was trying clothes on left and right and was happy to have someone help me purge stuff that really didn’t make me feel or look good.

About 60% of what we kept needed to be tailored. I had lost weight over the prior years, which was a good problem to have, but meant a lot of my clothes looked pretty unprofessional or sloppy on me.

First session was $187.00 – ~1.5 hours of closet purging. After that, every time I looked at my closet I felt like I could breathe – it wasn’t packed to the brim with stuff I had been carrying around with college. It looked like it had been cleansed and was beginning to look well-curated. I had an easier time putting together new outfits, even with significantly less clothes as I hadn’t even been to the tailor, yet!

One week later I was at her recommended tailor. The tailor was so sweet and showed me multiple ways to alter much of the clothing. She would recommend this way or that, and tell me the different pricing options available. She was also quick to recommend the cheaper way of doing things, which I appreciated. I’ve never been one for salesy people.

I had 10 pants, 3 skirts, 1 top, 1 sweater, and 1 dress significantly tailored. Some items needed tailoring in multiple ways (hemmed, pockets sewn shut, waist taken in, thighs taken in, and so on). Grand total - $267.00.

Phew! I was started to get nervous! This was a lot of money!

To gather some data on my past spending for reference, I consulted Mint.com which had been tracking my credit cards and back accounts for 4 years. I learned that in 2012 I spent $3,265.25 on clothing in the prior year. Say what?!? How is that the case? I do not earn much money as a Psychology PhD student, so I really was floored by that amount. So, I went through the individual transactions, and to be fair, there was money spent on gifts and underwear and things you wouldn’t consider part of one’s “wardrobe”. So, let’s be conservative and take $1000 away for those categories – still!! $2,265 in 1 year on a wardrobe that I wasn’t happy about? What in the world was happening? I was really wasting money on purchases I wasn’t pleased with. At least in 2012. No more of that. I was going to be really thoughtful and get joy out of my purchases, but to do that, I needed some expert assistance.

So, I had the tailor experience and a fully revamped wardrobe with great pieces that fit beautifully. A lot of the pieces I got tailored I had bought on a steep discount at sample sales or during college (~5 years ago) when I worked in retail, so paying $20 to breathe new life into a pair of trousers still didn’t make it an expensive item over its lifetime.

My goal was not to use a personal stylist for the rest of my life. The stylist was a lovely person and I loved working with her, but I wanted to develop the skills to shop on my own. But having seen that I was capable of draining thousands of dollars on things that really didn’t satisfy me, I was ready to outsource this skill and learn from an expert.

So, costs so far - $454.

            Stylist fee, tailor fee

Ok, stay with me. I know I've talked a lot about getting rid of stuff and paying lots of money. More good stuff is to come... ;)

To be continued...

Switching gears, briefly: Let's talk about fashion! Personal Stylist: Part I

This is the first in a series of posts that I'm going to do about Outsourcing for Women: Personal Stylist. There's a very successful entrepreneur/writer/blogger named Tim Ferris who wrote The Four Hour Work Week. I've heard a lot about it and people tend to love it for its imaginative and efficient way at dealing with standard work problems that make you work longer than you would actually need to.

I've been interested in the idea of optimizing and making your leisure activities faster. And so begins my investigations into Outsourcing for Women, or The 1 Hour Errand Week, or something else To Be Determined. Anyways, I've started thinking about where my time and energy goes and how to optimize and streamline that so I can do more of what I love and be happier in my day-to-day life. I realized stressing about what to wear/not liking my clothes takes a lot of my time and also brings me down not all the time, but enough to make me think that there's something I can do to stop bringing that on.

And so here begins my multiple part piece on the Personal Stylist.

Cost: $125/hour

Yup, it’s expensive. When I first saw that number I balked and thought, “I don’t have the money for that!” But, bear with me. I’m going to give myself away and let you know that I’m going to argue that it’s worth it and less expensive in the long haul. But, I have lots of words and data to back that up, so stay with me.

I am also going to argue that it makes your wardrobe much more enjoyable! I hated shopping for the longest time and had had many frustrating experiences.

Here is a recap of the frustrating experiences: I often would procrastinate work or distract myself from boredom through online shopping. (Anyone else been there?) It might start out as a browsing trip, but would quickly turn into a hunt. I’d identify something that I was sure I was needing, like soft tee shirts that didn’t look stretched out and baggy from years of wear. But, it was so hard to find something online for the price I wanted, so I’d end up going cheap on myself, or forcing myself to get something from a retailer that offered free shipping and free returns. Much of the time once the item got home, I wouldn’t like it or it wouldn’t fit well. I was constantly cheaping out on myself, but didn’t trust myself to make sound choices in my shopping. I was insecure and that insecurity motivated me to get the cheapest option, which I was ultimately disappointed by. And then my closet ended up being packed with cheap, “fast fashion” that was gratifying in the moment of the purchase, but a few weeks and washes later, was disappointing and ill-fitting. And this didn’t just happen in online shopping bouts – it happened when I went to the mall, too. I just didn’t have the confidence to pick out what I wanted and didn’t feel like I really knew what was worth spending money on, knowing I would wear it for years to come.

And these are the most recent experiences. That doesn’t even touch on the years of being dissatisfied with my body and picking unflattering items off the rack, then blaming myself for not fitting into it or wearing it well. I would see the piece of clothing as the standard, and myself as at fault for not wearing it well. Nevermind the idea that the clothing was at fault, or simply that it wasn’t the best look for me. I would take it all very personally and come home empty-handed or worse, carrying things I didn’t really love.

So, finally frustrated enough to give up doing it all on my own, I searched online and found a local stylist with a blog I really enjoyed. She didn’t promote an unrelatable, unapproachable style of fashion. She had examples of outfits on her website and they ranged in terms of occasion and preference. I thought she had enough flexibility and expertise to help me find a unified look.

Now, before you get all judgey on me, let’s talk about fashion. I’ve rolled my eyes at it for a long time, thought I was better than those people who spent time talking and fussing over clothes. First of all, I apologize to all whom I’ve silently judged before – and maybe not so silently. Your interests and your pastimes are none of my business. Second of all, I was wrong. Whether or not you’re trying to, what you put on your body speaks about you. If you are really anti-fashion and dress in the same clothes you bought from K-Mart in 1993, then you are communicating that you really don’t care about fashion. Or you’re communicating that you’re overworked or overwrought or something else. People judge each other based on appearances, so to say you are above that is simply incorrect. Your physical appearance is the first thing others see and categorize you by, and this is plain and simple cognitive science.

To quote a fashion designer interviewed in the book, Paris Street Style: A Guide to Effortless Chic, Christophe Lemaire, “Clothes are the surest vehicle of self-expression available to us. To dress oneself is not futile – it is an act of profound significance. I believe in a style that expresses the inner self, that is neither a shell nor a disguise for it. To wear clothes is to be oneself, to dream oneself, to be aware of who one is. Dressing allows us to sublimate ourselves and to have fun doing so.”

I think that’s a pretty positive perspective on dressing. There’s no need to spend a fortune on your wardrobe, and if you’re chasing labels and brands to inflate a low self-worth, no amount of shopping is going to make you feel confident. And it's not about being trendy or forcing yourself into someone else's idea of what's good or pretty or acceptable. It's about deciding how you want to exist and be in the world. It's about deciding on the beauty that you want to experience through your own body. And that's what I wanted to cultivate. I wanted to feel confident, beautiful, relatable and, yet, graceful – a delicate balance that I thought an expert might help me achieve.

My stylist offered a range of services: closet purge, online shopping, in-store shopping, “shop and drop” (she shops for you, you try on by yourself, give back what you don’t want), going to the tailor with you, outfit formation, and present shopping. Her website offered all sorts of referrals to local professionals she recommended such as a great tailor, hair stylist, and make-up artist.

I was ready to book. I was feeling overly extravagant and nervous about spending all this money on myself, but I’d had enough of feeling shlumpy when I looked in the mirror. Plus I had a history of being pretty frugal, which meant I had a good amount in my savings account... it was worth a shot.

To be continued...