So, this is my message of the day: your mood is your responsibility. I think this statement applies in almost all situations. There are certain situations where this doesn't quite apply - for example if you are the victim in an abusive relationship or contending with issues of extreme poverty and hardship, this idea requires a more nuanced approach. However, for those out there struggling with day-to-day struggles, hassles, difficulties, and associated anxiety, depression, and just crappy funks and ruts - I'm talking to you.
Let me reiterate: Your Mood is Your Responsibility. When we experience a bad mood (whether that's angry, sad, upset, anxious, and so on), we usually look outside of us to figure out how to "fix" this negative mood state. We look to our possessions and have thoughts like, "Uggghhh, I'm not excited enough by my clothes, my car, my house, my furniture, my partner..."
And, so often, our knee-jerk reaction is - I'll just go shopping. It makes sense that [my clothes, my car, my hair] isn't good enough, so I'll get something new - that'll fix it and I'll feel better.
Maybe so. But, if you look back on this pattern, is it fair to say that you are able to "fix it," but only for the short-term? Shortly after your latest "fix," you'll get that itch again - those feelings of being stuck, empty, boring, or sad come back as though nothing has changed.
It's like we keep trying to get a grip on happiness and hold it close to our hearts. We think we'll be fixed by our latest consumer conquest, but that just doesn't cut it once we re-adjust and get used to it.
We also often do this "fix it consumerism" within our relationships, too. We see other people as sources of our happiness. It is wonderful if hanging with your child, your nephew, your friend, your grandma, your boyfriend, your wife makes your heart sing. Those are wonderful moments to cultivate. Letting other people shine in your life is an excellent skill to practice.
However, depending on others to regulate your mood is not fair and, worse, it's dangerous. You are responsible for how you feel and it's not anyone else's responsibility or obligation to make you happy. Oftentimes we don't realize we're depending on others to make us happy because we haven't been taught otherwise.
The truth is, it's the experiences we give to ourselves that will give us sustaining, long-term happiness. We cultivate happiness in our lives, when we cultivate meaning. And we cultivate meaning through the activities we engage in, through the goals we design, through the ways in which we express our creativity.
So, let me ask you this: what are some of the things you do (not have, borrow, or own) that you enjoy?
Make a list of 15 things you enjoy doing, right now. Pull up a quick piece of scrap paper or open a new word document and jot them down. Seriously - stop reading and give it a try.
...... ...... ......
Was it easy? It wasn't for me when I first tried it. I was a bit embarrassed to find that I was having trouble listing things that I liked to do. Things that I liked to do just because I liked them - not because I've roped myself into doing them out of responsibility. How can we be responsible for our own moods when we never do anything to maintain them?
So, please, practice writing out that list. Start remembering the things that you like. If you're still having trouble, go back to childhood - what types of things did you like to do then? Can you try some of them again?
Once you have your list, schedule yourself 2 hours per week to do one of those activities, just for yourself. This is part of regular mood maintenance and an essential piece in taking back the responsibility for your emotions.
I know it's not glamorous to take ownership of your emotions. The romantic comedies and romantic novels/thrillers of our popular culture would have us believe that it is just so exciting, so enthralling, so life-giving to find that person/job/possession that just makes you feel euphoria.
It's all well and good to have sources of entertainment, but these are stories. Enjoy them all you like, but don't get your ideas about lasting happiness and healthy relationships from them, please.
I'm all for feelings of love, joy, euphoria and bliss, but within the context of lasting, sustainable happiness - not within the context of emotional roller coasters bouncing from cheap high to cheap high. Let's reign in the fast food, fast fashion, cheap thrills and emotional games and instead start investing in long-term, lasting meaningfulness and happiness.
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