Tips To Break The Rumination Cycle

In the last post I covered what rumination is and why we do it. To do a quick recap, rumination is your mind cycling over and over again around the same problems that are bothering you. Rumination either comes about because of some difficulty that feels unsolvable or simply due to boredom.

So, in those times you've found yourself still stuck in rumination, what do you do? Well, first of all, really check - are you just bored? If so, seriously, find anything to do to get yourself moving towards activity. Take a shower, dress yourself up, go get coffee, draw, paint, dance, sing, anything!

So, assuming you are still reading to learn about problem-related rumination, here are two tips.

First, help your brain practice solution-oriented thinking. Start looking for the potential ways your problem might go away. Start practicing taking other perspectives and adopting other ways to explain your situation.

Let's use an example. Let's say you are ruminating over financial worries. Something hasn't come through or you're worried about paying bills or your spending habits. This is a very common topic for rumination. Typically what happens is you spend lots of time focusing on all the ways you are low in money, all the ways it's impacting your life, and all the ways it can get worse. You start forecasting what the future will look like and it typically looks bleaker than today. Yikes. Let's practice getting out of that rut. At this point, some people would recommend affirmations. I'm going to not recommend affirmations and here's why.

Affirmations more often than not just feel fake. It's not realistic to expect yourself to jump from a state of powerlessness and fear to happy-go-lucky and care-free. You have to gradually work yourself in a relieving direction, using thought retraining exercises that are based in believable statements. If you spend time forcing affirmations in your mind, it just prolongs a state of uncomfortable denial and rejection of your true emotions.

So, instead of affirmations, ask yourself questions.

• What if everything worked out? What might that look like?
• What if everything's OK right now?
• What if there is something here that is helpful for me to learn?
• How can I find something useful in this situation?

Start there and keep asking yourself flexible and even playful questions like these to help open your mind to creative possibilities.

Notice how your feelings change when you ask and answer these questions.

Another way to break the cycle of rumination is to practice present-moment awareness. When we're ruminating we are anywhere but in the present-moment. We are in the past, agonizing over something someone did or over something we did or didn't say. We're analyzing the intentions of others and what they meant. And if we're not in the past, we're in the future. Predicting all sorts of bad things coming our way, getting all worked up and pessimistic about our chances of happiness and peace. Again, the reason for this is because our minds are natural problem-solvers. 

However, you can help your mind gain bigger muscles in present-moment awareness through mindfulness exercises. Here are several kinds of mindfulness exercises you can do to increase your ability to focus on the present:

• Sense Immersion
• Choose a physical object and sit down with it. Spend 10 minutes attending to this object. What does it look like? What does it smell like? How does it feel in your hands? What is the texture like? How does the light hit it? Notice all these and many more details. Notice how your perception of the object changes as time passes. Notice the difference between this level of perception and how you usually perceive the object when you are simply passing by it through your day.

• Thought Observation
• Imagine yourself lying down in a field of flowers. You look up at the sky and watch the clouds float by. Each time you notice a thought, "place" it on a cloud above and watch it float by. If you find yourself hooked in by a thought, gently acknowledge that it caught you up, and place it on the next cloud you see. Do this for at least 10 minutes.

These exercises will help you increase your ability to focus on the present moment. The present moment is truly your only point of power. 

 In addition, the greater ability you have to get some distance and observational skills towards your thoughts, the better you will be able to notice thinking errors that get in your way and block you.  Feel more, do less. :)

Find Yourself Stuck Thinking Negatively? Here's Why

Do you find your mind is often focused on problems and negative situations? This is especially apparent for those currently dealing with depression, anxiety, or high levels of stress. Our mind is constantly working on the what-ifs and contingency plans of the worst case scenarios, however that may apply to our unique situation.

Another word for this is rumination. The word ruminate means, literally, to "bring up and chew what has already been chewed and swallowed". This refers to the way "ruminants," a type of animal that includes cows, chew their food. They turn it over and over again in their mouths. When you mentally ruminate, you are turning the same thoughts over and over again in your mind.

It's a very uncomfortable and bothersome process to live with. I often have clients asking me to help them achieve "peace of mind." What this usually means is they want to experience freedom from rumination.

In order to reduce your mind's rumination, it's helpful to learn about why your mind does this.

 

 

You mind is an amazing problem-solver. Our problem-solving ability is unmatched and is the reason humans have been able to advance in so many ways throughout our evolution. We are able to first, identify and define a problem, and second, think abstractly through many different possible solutions. Once we have identified possible solutions, we also have the ability to plan, execute, and follow-through on a potential answer.

It takes a delicate balance between our thoughts and our emotions for the above process (identify, define, plan, execute, follow-through) to be fulfilled successfully. If we were simply machines, we would be able to logically move through the steps. However, we're not machines and it doesn't help to treat yourself like one. Your mind is ruminating for a reason - an emotional blockage in the process. Somewhere along the line some form of emotional resistance (which can feel like fear, anger, shame, for example) is preventing you from moving forward in the problem-solving process. Our emotions are immensely important not only for helping us to see how our thoughts may be limited, but also for helping us to use our intuition to guide us. Emotions can give us excellent guidance that logic sometimes wouldn't notice or bring to our attention.

You also may find your mind ruminating if your mind is not getting any other stimulation. Commonly boredom rapidly turns into rumination and worrying. This is because for years, potentially most of your adolescent and adult life, you have been trained to focus on fixing problems rather than acknowledging the things that are going right. If your mind finds itself idle, it will search for something to "fix".

Next time you find yourself ruminating, first notice what type of ruminating it is:

• Problem-related?
• Or boredom-related?

For problem-related ruminating, ask your emotions to show you where you are resisting. What are you afraid of? Commonly it is as simple as not believing ourselves to be capable of handling the worst case scenario or of being able to solve the problem. Take some time to give yourself some reassurance that you are capable of solving this problem. Remind yourself of other problems you have overcome in the past. Soothe yourself and take care of yourself. It's OK and normal to be scared when you're in the problem-solving process, but if you feel the fear and let it pass (as opposed to stay in the logic-brain and try not to feel it), it will hinder your process so much less!

If your ruminating is boredom-related, then get moving! Get out of that rut. This is nothing wrong with you - your mind is simply giving you a good (though uncomfortable) sign that it wants more simulation and to switch up your routine. Go for a walk, draw something, call a friend, learn a language or musical instrument. Give your mind something else to chew on!

Feel more, do less... (or if your boredom ruminating, do more of what you love!)

Forgiveness: How to Forgive

In a previous post, I talked about using forgiveness to move forward with our lives. Resentment, pain, anger, and other negative feelings we attach to past events and other people can keep us from living in the present moment. We can live predominantly in the past, thinking and dwelling on past events, keeping us forever stuck in those events and not fully living our lives here and now.

I also reviewed that there are disadvantages and advantages to hanging onto resentment and refusing to forgive. If you are still feeling like the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, and that you're not ready to forgive, that's ok.

However, if you feel ready to forgive, let's talk about what that actually looks like. I've found that it's helpful to have a brief, but explicit, ritual around forgiveness. By explicit I mean clear, noticeable, and demonstrated to you. I think it's great to keep this private, so by "explicit" I do not mean a public demonstration. By ritual, I mean something that is meaningful and symbolic to you. Sometimes the word "ritual" brings up negative connotations of robes and chanting and outdated religious ceremonies. Instead, I encourage you to think of the word "ritual" as something signifying a meaningful, purposeful, intention-filled activity. One might make a ritual of their morning coffee - savoring the flavors, the warmth of the mug, the aroma, and dropping into their bodies in the present moment.

Forgiveness is an act that we take on with intention and meaning. Therefore, I encourage you to see forgiveness as an act that you engage in with a ritualistic manner. Emmet Fox, a New Thought writer, has an interesting approach to forgiveness that I've really enjoyed. Feel free to adopt it or modify it if it feels good to you.

When a past event comes to your attention with a punch of negative feelings - guilt, resentment, hurt, anger, embarrassment... it's likely that there is someone or something to forgive in there. I've found that forgiveness is an excellent way to release negative feelings that are tied to past hurts or disappointments.

So, once you identify someone or something to forgive, take some time to yourself to quiet down and center. Next, engage in some kind of task that helps you get into the present moment. Here are some different ideas to briefly center yourself:

• Light a candle
• Meditate for a few minutes
• Do deep belly breathing exercises
• Read from a meditation book
• Pray
• Do some neck rolls or stretching

After you've given yourself some kind of centering "treatment", engage in your forgiveness exercise.

Here are some words, adopted from those of Emmet Fox, that might help you:

"I fully and freely forgive ______. I loose him/her and let him/her go. I completely forgive the whole business in question. As far as I'm concerned, it is finished forever. I release the burden of resentment (or hurt, humiliation, anger) upon my higher power. S/he is free now, and I am free too. I wish him/her well in every phase of their life. That incident is finished. Forgiveness has set us both free. Thank you."

Then, move on with your day. If/when thoughts of this past hurt come back to you, briefly acknowledge that they showed up, send impersonal good will to the person you have forgiven, and release the thought.

This exercise might have more meaning to you if you believe in a higher power or have a spiritual leaning. However, if you identify as atheist, you could release the burden of resentment onto your inner self or a wiser, calmer version of yourself.

I find that engaging in a purposeful, clear exercise such as the above helps to make it clear to myself my intention (to forgive and move forward with my life) and that helps me to follow through with releasing resentment and rumination.

If forgiving feels overwhelming and impossible, it's possible that you have experienced a traumatic experience. In those cases, an exercise like the above may not provide you with the help you need. Instead, it might be helpful for you to seek support from a professional source, whether that is a psychologist, therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional. I encourage you to seek professional help if you are finding feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, or pain to be very bothersome.

Good luck; I wish you well with any and all forgiveness!

Creativity: Squashed by Pragmatism

When was the last time you let yourself really daydream? When was the last time you let yourself really hope for something awesome?

Really. Sit and think about it. Can you remember a time? Recently? If you can, great. Chances are though, you've been caught up in skepticism and pragmatism.

In our modern industrialized, tech-savvy culture, we are so tuned into problem-solving, prediction, statistics, and pragmatism that we nearly strangle our ability to truly open ourselves to the different possibilities available to us. Humans thrive on creativity, dreaming, expansion, and exploration. However, our current environment stifles that. What's worse is that there is a general fear of "disappointment." People warn you "don't get your hopes up" and "be realistic." These people are, for the most part well-meaning. They likely fall into two camps (which are not mutually exclusive):

1) They are concerned for your happiness and

2) They are concerned for their own happiness.

Let's take the first group - concerned for your happiness. How kind! They want to protect you, safeguard you, by informing you that the chances of your success or happiness are limited, so better be sure to "plan for the worst." Next time someone tries to squash your momentum and energy towards optimism and joy in this well-meaning way, thank them for their concern and politely let them know that you feel happy thinking of the possibilities. What do you think is worse? Experiencing disappointment when things don't go your way, or always feeling mundane and "blah" because you're unwilling to take a chance on uncertainty.

When I'm talking about daydreaming, I'm talking about so many things! Get excited about the possibilities in your job or career path, get excited about taking on new life experiences like travelling or being a parent or owning a pet. Get excited about that date you are about to go on, or him or her calling you to go on date #3, or experiencing great sex. Get excited about great clothes, a great movie, a great concern, a great cup of coffee! Get excited about things! Let yourself dream and be excited about what could come your way!

Let's take the second group - concerned about their own happiness. Oftentimes, people in this group are so disempowered that they see others' happiness as a threat to their own. Your dreaming feels scary compared to their negative view of reality. It may be unfamiliar, but it doesn't have to be scary. You are not serving those around you by playing small and squashing your dreams. You can live by example and demonstrate that dreaming can feel good, disappointment is manageable (if you experience it), and life is better when you expect good things.

This doesn't mean that you should disappear from life and simply lie around daydreaming. Get involved with life, get your hands dirty, experience things, talk to people. And do all of these things while dreaming of wonderful possibilities for you. Do all of these things with positive expectation and excitement for the future. When you hit a road block and feel downtrodden or anxious, examine your negative thinking to determine what other limiting thoughts are holding you back that you can release.

Allow yourself to dream. Allow yourself to dream BIG! That is where creativity lies - flexibility, freedom, expansion, and desire. If someone tries to squish your dreaming, smile at their intention (care and love for you) and gently release the need to bend to their recommendations.

Dream on!

Forgiveness: Essential to Emotional Freedom

Almost every single one of us walks around with a hidden pile of resentments and hurts lingering in the back of our minds. Those grudges can be quite easily accessible in certain relationships, such as with a partner with whom we always bicker, or can be stuffed back in the recesses of our memory from experiences we had as children or adolescents.

These resentments serve to drag our potential down. There is a saying, it takes two to make a prisoner. There is no such thing as a singular prisoner. There is the prisoner, and then there is the jailer. If you are holding resentments towards another person, you are holding them in a kind of prison in your mind. And, unfortunately, the side effect of this is that you are serving as the jailer. You hold the key, keeping them present in your mind. If this person is currently still in your life, chances are you are even more like a jailer in that you are likely constantly watching the prisoner, waiting for them to misstep again, further supporting your reason to hold resentment.

Another saying is that if you are keeping someone "on the hook" for something, you're automatically stuck on the hook, too. In order to take yourself off the hook and let go of that painful memory, you have to let them off the hook, too.

This isn't a conscious process, but it's a human process. If we can shine a flashlight on these mental processes, we can get better at holding the key to deliberately reshaping our thinking, and therefore our experience of our reality.

Sometimes the idea of forgiving an offender would make us balk. "But I could never forgive. It was too awful, too terrible. That person is too bad; I refuse to forgive."

It is true that some things in our lives can feel awful and terrible. Forgiveness does not require you to like or include that person in your life any longer. Forgiveness is a tool for releasing yourself. Ask yourself, what are the advantages to holding onto this resentment, anger, and rage?

And what are the disadvantages? In what ways might this resentment be holding me back?

Typically, one of the advantages is that people feel justified in being hurt. They also might, in an unconscious way, find a benefit in remaining a "victim" in their own mind. However, forgiveness does not require you to negate any suffering you experienced. And it also doesn't force you to change any particular behaviors.

Some of the disadvantages of not forgiving is it keeps us stuck in the past. Also, it keeps you "bound" to something to want to push away. Our resentment is a form of attachment, tying us to those who we dislike or who we think have hurt us in some way. The stronger you resent, the more present will reminders and memories of this hurt be. Resentment keeps the past alive, forgiveness releases it and lets you move on.

As you go through your daily life, notice where resentment pops up. A need for forgiveness may also pop up as jealousy, self-righteousness, and contempt. Notice these feelings when they show up - they are telling you something important.

Feel more, do less :)

Creativity: Blocked by the "No Pain, No Gain" Mentality

I noticed several flawed forms of logic I've been walking around with in an experience I had recently. I had decided to get myself a massage. It felt very luxurious and wonderful to schedule it. I found myself thinking, "I deserve this. I've had a very stressful month."

And that made me stop - why do I only deserve a nice massage after a stressful month? Of course, that's a great way to reward yourself, but it also implies that after a stressful month is the only time I "deserve" a massage or other treat. This line of thinking sets me up to only engaging in self-care after "tough" times, rather than engaging in it regularly simply because it's nice and helps sustain me at the best version of me possible.

I was quick to notice this line of thinking. Well, that probably isn't entirely true, because I'm pretty sure I've been carrying this logic with me for most of my adolescent/adult life. But, hey, at least I noticed it eventually!

I am now working on releasing that limiting set of beliefs in favor of a much more open, allowing version of those beliefs: I deserve and can enjoy nice things whenever, wherever, simply because I exist. However, that doesn't mean that I will walk around entitled or selfish, taking from others because I "deserve" it. Instead, it means I can flexibly engage in self-care every single day, rather than only once I've surmounted some major challenge or problem.

So, off I go to my massage. I love going to these types of places. I will purposefully get there a little early so I can enjoy the ambience of a cushy waiting room, stocked with cucumber water, ambient music, and tons of magazines that I rarely would buy for myself. (Although, another victory! I just recently got myself subscriptions to two magazines so I'll be regularly enjoying these activities in my own home!)

The massage table was heated which was amazing and delicious. I could feel myself melting into the table. Once the masseuse came in, she quickly went to work relaxing my back muscles. It was great. And then my mind starting chattering, as it loves to do. "Should I ask her to use more pressure? It's not hurting. I really want this to detox my body, to clear me out, and it probably has to hurt to do that, right? She should probably be using more pressure to make this worth it. I really want this to help..." and so on and so on and so on. Finally, I realized this and started silently talking back to my worrying:

"STOP! It does not have to HURT in order to do something good for you! Let go of the No Pain, No Gain mentality!"

I reflected on that a bit more and realized how much time I spend focusing on how much an activity "hurts" (emotionally, physically, cognitively) and how that must make it worthwhile. I don't do this consciously, but it is very often that I will see a high value experience or item inherently require a significant cost to me whether in time, energy, money, morale, or effort.

I also know that this severely limits our ability to be creative beings. By focusing on how something "good" has to hurt, we stifle our ability to create. We stifle our ability to show up, to practice, to try, because if we do anything "good" it is likely to be painful in some way.

How does the No Pain, No Gain mentality block you? Chances are it's stifling you in some way - what are those ways? Practice releasing the requirement to be hurt in the pursuit of things you love and enjoy and see what good can flow to you in a way that feels great.

Enhance Your Creativity Through "Noise" Reduction

Julia Cameron, the creativity guru and best-selling author of The Artist's Way has helped to promote the idea of reducing the stimulation you take in to improve your ability to create. As you reduce your input, you can increase your output. In her book, she recommends taking a reading fast for one week. In my current work, it was difficult for me to achieve a full week, but in the few days that I practiced it, I felt such a lightness and brightness. It felt great to clear my mind and reduce the number of words and media sources I was allowing to inundate me every day.

Shawn Achor, psychology and happiness research, also recommends a reduction in media input, or "noise". He suggests that gains are made even with a 5% reduction in noise. What would be 5%? Well if you take a 12-hour day, 5% of that day would be 36 minutes. You could shoot for ~40 minutes of reduced noise. Turn off the TV, close the laptop, silence your phone and do something else instead.

Some people are at a loss for what to do without media input given how we are constantly surrounded and distracted by it every day. Here are some ideas: dance, sing, draw, clean, mend, iron, walk, run, bike.

Accidental Delight - Facebook-Free Lifestyle

While my favorite exercise was the reading fast recommended by Julia Cameron, I have recently (accidentally) experimented with my own significant form of noise reduction. During the last round of privacy setting updates, I decided to leave Facebook and shut down my profile. I was dissatisfied with my inability to keep my photos private, but more importantly, I started finally realizing how I was not feeling happy or fulfilled during my time on that site. I would usually use the site to procrastinate other projects, and it ended up becoming a lengthy voyeuristic sojourn into the (filtered) lives of people I hadn't had contact with in years and years. And maybe hardly ever. I had quite a few "friends" from college that I had never even truly been friends with - and they were some of the most active profiles on my Newsfeed. So I had tons of information on these people that I had never even really known! Bizarre and unnecessary. So, I closed my profile and decided I needed some space.

It's been a good ride. Most of the time I don't think about it. However, today I had to finish a writing project and I didn't love it. I kept looking for excuses to procrastinate, but this was the first real project I had undertaken since I had closed my access to Facebook. I went on a website or two, but neither of those were nearly the timesuck of Facebook. I realized that my procrastination was far less drawn out and meandering being off of Facebook. Sure, it was tempting to go on and distract myself with stories on people's profiles, but I just didn't feel like having to go in and get my profile up and running again to gain that access. Excellent deterrant.

Do I feel less connected to the people I love? Nope, not at all. Once in a while a friend will say, "Hey, are you not on Facebook anymore? I tried to tag a photo of you..." At this point, I say, "nope" and ask to see said photo on their phone in that moment. We share the moment in-person and that feels even better in my opinion.

Is this a recommendation to get off of Facebook? Not at all. It's a good tool for many people - I simply found it was no longer what I wanted in my life. For now, Facebook-free works for me.

My main point is reduce the noise in your life - notice where you spend your time, both physically and virtually. If some of those places do not truly serve you (do not make you feel better or inspire you), then play with letting them go for a while. Enjoy a bit of mental clarity. :)