Forgiveness: How to Forgive

In a previous post, I talked about using forgiveness to move forward with our lives. Resentment, pain, anger, and other negative feelings we attach to past events and other people can keep us from living in the present moment. We can live predominantly in the past, thinking and dwelling on past events, keeping us forever stuck in those events and not fully living our lives here and now.

I also reviewed that there are disadvantages and advantages to hanging onto resentment and refusing to forgive. If you are still feeling like the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, and that you're not ready to forgive, that's ok.

However, if you feel ready to forgive, let's talk about what that actually looks like. I've found that it's helpful to have a brief, but explicit, ritual around forgiveness. By explicit I mean clear, noticeable, and demonstrated to you. I think it's great to keep this private, so by "explicit" I do not mean a public demonstration. By ritual, I mean something that is meaningful and symbolic to you. Sometimes the word "ritual" brings up negative connotations of robes and chanting and outdated religious ceremonies. Instead, I encourage you to think of the word "ritual" as something signifying a meaningful, purposeful, intention-filled activity. One might make a ritual of their morning coffee - savoring the flavors, the warmth of the mug, the aroma, and dropping into their bodies in the present moment.

Forgiveness is an act that we take on with intention and meaning. Therefore, I encourage you to see forgiveness as an act that you engage in with a ritualistic manner. Emmet Fox, a New Thought writer, has an interesting approach to forgiveness that I've really enjoyed. Feel free to adopt it or modify it if it feels good to you.

When a past event comes to your attention with a punch of negative feelings - guilt, resentment, hurt, anger, embarrassment... it's likely that there is someone or something to forgive in there. I've found that forgiveness is an excellent way to release negative feelings that are tied to past hurts or disappointments.

So, once you identify someone or something to forgive, take some time to yourself to quiet down and center. Next, engage in some kind of task that helps you get into the present moment. Here are some different ideas to briefly center yourself:

• Light a candle
• Meditate for a few minutes
• Do deep belly breathing exercises
• Read from a meditation book
• Pray
• Do some neck rolls or stretching

After you've given yourself some kind of centering "treatment", engage in your forgiveness exercise.

Here are some words, adopted from those of Emmet Fox, that might help you:

"I fully and freely forgive ______. I loose him/her and let him/her go. I completely forgive the whole business in question. As far as I'm concerned, it is finished forever. I release the burden of resentment (or hurt, humiliation, anger) upon my higher power. S/he is free now, and I am free too. I wish him/her well in every phase of their life. That incident is finished. Forgiveness has set us both free. Thank you."

Then, move on with your day. If/when thoughts of this past hurt come back to you, briefly acknowledge that they showed up, send impersonal good will to the person you have forgiven, and release the thought.

This exercise might have more meaning to you if you believe in a higher power or have a spiritual leaning. However, if you identify as atheist, you could release the burden of resentment onto your inner self or a wiser, calmer version of yourself.

I find that engaging in a purposeful, clear exercise such as the above helps to make it clear to myself my intention (to forgive and move forward with my life) and that helps me to follow through with releasing resentment and rumination.

If forgiving feels overwhelming and impossible, it's possible that you have experienced a traumatic experience. In those cases, an exercise like the above may not provide you with the help you need. Instead, it might be helpful for you to seek support from a professional source, whether that is a psychologist, therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional. I encourage you to seek professional help if you are finding feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, or pain to be very bothersome.

Good luck; I wish you well with any and all forgiveness!