Emotions: Natural vs. Manufactured

Hi there, folks. For those of you thoroughly uninterested in fashion, I apologize for the last 3 posts. Go on and ignore them and tune in to today's topic: Natural vs. Manufactured Emotions.

I'd like to talk about two different states of emotions so that we can talk about how to work through them. The first category is Natural Emotions. Natural emotions are hard-wired - we all have them. These are emotions that have been found throughout human generations and across many, many different cultures. See the research of Paul Ekman, Ph.D. for more information. By hard-wired, I mean that these emotions are biologically-driven. Certain life experiences and situations are naturally bound to elicit these hard-wired emotions.

For example, when a loved one passes away, a natural emotion is sadness and grief in response to a loss.

When you see an attractive potential mate, natural emotional responses are arousal or lust (disclaimer: it is not hard-wired to act on these feelings).

When you encounter a something smelling or icky (e.g., stinky old food in the fridge, certain kinds of injuries if you aren't desensitized to them), disgust is a natural emotion to have.

Natural emotions, if allowed to be felt, run their course and dissipate on their own! All you need to do is allow yourself to feel them. A very funny (though crude, at times, be forewarned) comedian gives an excellent description of responses to natural emotions. I'd like to share it here because I think he explains the way natural emotions can be felt and dissipate. As a disclaimer, this is a pretty simplistic and comedically-oriented explanation, but I think it works just fine for our purposes. He starts talking about emotions and our modern approach to them (unhealthy distraction) at 00:56.

He talks about how we always have this "forever empty" inside of us - I like to think of that as comedic hyperbole and don't agree with that. Overall, though, he gives a good description about how if we just simply sit with natural emotion, allow ourselves to feel and process it, it dissipates and fades away.

The other, likely more common (depending on your personality and current circumstances), state of emotions that shows up for lots of people is Manufactured Emotion.

Manufactured emotions are not hard-wired or biologically-driven. They are produced by the way we are thinking, or viewing the world. Our thoughts produce many, many of our emotions and many of the negative emotions people feel day-to-day can be altered depending on how they are thinking.

While natural emotions dissipate if you sit with them, in contrast, manufactured emotions simply persist the more you sit with them. If you simply sit and stew with the same unhelpful thinking, the resultant negative emotions will often simply grow stronger rather than fade away.

Therefore, with manufactured emotions, you want to notice your thinking style and see if you can adjust it to make your thinking more balanced.

This is a very simplistic way of describing Cognitive Therapy. If you are interested in learning more about how to adjust your thinking style, there are tons of resources available. It is often helpful to talk with a professional about your thinking style because it can be really tricky to catch and address your thoughts all by yourself. I encourage you to seek professional help from a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist trained in Cognitive Therapy if you are interested in learning more about professional resources for maladaptive thinking styles.

To sum up -

Natural emotion, sit with it, let it ride through you, and let it fade away!

Manufactured [negative] emotions: notice the thinking that came right before the emotions showed up and see if you can find a more balanced way of looking at things!

I'll give more information on balanced thinking in a later post.

Feel more, do less :).

Personal Stylist: Part III

This is the third part in the series Outsourcing for Women: Personal Stylist.

Let’s switch gears and consider the savings that I noticed through this experience.

Savings, so far – 

·      $50 in dry cleaning services I no longer needed

o   I got the tip from my stylist that if something looks fine, but just has body odor – turn it inside out and spritz it with a mixture of half vodka/half water. It kills the  odor-causing bacteria and the vodka odor evaporates, as well. (Not recommended for silk, FYI).

o   And, just in case it isn't obvious, you'll still need to go to the dry cleaner for stains and more thorough cleaning. But, for quick fixes here and there and to disinfect slight odor, vodka is your answer ;)

·      $100 in “new” shoes

o   I had a beautiful pair of Frye flats that I bought EIGHT years ago and had hardly ever worn. I thought they were beautiful and I loved them, but they were total jerks that blistered my heels up like I couldn’t believe. I just kept carting them around (and this includes from New York state, to Oxford, England, to Pennsylvania, to Connecticut, to California…) hoping that they would soften up. No freaking luck.

o   Stylist recommended shoe trees and sent me a link to the perfect one – 10 days of shoe trees in them and they’re beautifully wearable! Simple tip that I never would’ve thought up on my own.

·      $40 in a “new” accessory

o   I had a long, golden, beaded necklace that I never wore because it would spin around on my neck and rip out little neck hairs. Ew! And Ow! But, because I loved the way it looked, it had also been carted around (same places as the flats).

o   Stylist took one look at it and as we continued our conversation spun it around my wrist and clasped it. It was a rocking gold bracelet that ended up being 1.5 inches thick and looked beautiful and very unique. I wore it nonstop for the next 2 weeks and loved getting regular compliments, as well as questions like, “is it real gold?” (it’s not, but I’ll take the compliments!)

·      $50 in a “new” shirt

o   I was ready to chuck a button-down shirt that was so blousy and big on me, I ended up looking shlubby in it. Stylist helped me figure out a way to wear it and a special way to roll the sleeves that took into account the way the pattern varied from the sleeve to the cuff – something I had never even noticed. Suddenly, it looked really fashionable and well-suited to me! I was ready to toss it and she made it one of my new favorites!

·      $80 in a “new” cashmere sweater

o   I had a beautiful cashmere sweater I had been carting around since high school. It was something my mother had bought on deep discount at an outlet store for me and I really loved it. But, it was a deep V-neck that ended up being overly 90’s vampy because the sleeves would often both slip down at the same time. It sat for years because I certainly didn’t want a nip slip happening to me.

o   Stylist recommended topstick – double-sided toupee tape – to tape underneath the sweater to my skin so it no longer would slide off. Suddenly I had a beautiful cashmere sweater I could wear without worrying about it falling all over the place! Score.

o   Side note – I’d heard of red carpet celebrities using double-sided tape to keep extravagant ball gowns strategically pinned down, but never thought of using it myself. Stylist gave me a sample, showed me how to use it, and sent me a link to buy it online. Barriers to wearing my sweater completely removed.

OK, so savings thus far - $320.

$454 - $320 = $134. Not too bad!

Also, there are other benefits/sources of savings that aren’t tabulated above because I don’t want to inflate my monetary results.

• ·      First of all, I had stopped stress/procrastination shopping. When I felt the urge to browse online, I remembered that I now had expert help and didn’t need to waste my time getting stuff I didn’t like. I could wait until I had better shopping skills to shop on my own. For now, I was only shopping with stylist. I warrant to say that avoiding stress shopping has saved me quite a penny. In addition, it helped me practice more skills to manage stress like walks and phone calls and tea breaks and music.

• ·      Second, on an environmental level I was really happy to tailor so many of my clothes so they felt and looked like new. The environmental costs of the “fast fashion” industry are extremely high. We are taxing resources by producing and shipping clothes all over the world, not to mention the waste that’s caused by piling all of our discarded, cheap threads in landfills. As an environmentally-conscious person, I wanted to stay away from cheap stuff that would end up in the trash 6 months later and was happy to be able to preserve and just revamp so much of what I already had. I realized through this experience you don’t have to sacrifice fashion to be environmentally-conscious. A lot of what you have can likely be tailored, patched, mended, dyed, or reimagined to look and feel brand new.

• Third, I had a fresh pair of eyes even before our first appointment together. I knew that a stranger was going to be coming in and cleaning through my closet, so I purged in advance a little. I also had a fresh set of eyes on a couple of purses that I hardly ever used, but were really nice. I had bought them long ago (similar to the Frye flats - probably both like 8 years ago when I worked in retail and had great discounts and my parents helping/supporting me with finances). I noticed that I hadn't been using a beautiful leather bag. I pulled it out of the back of my closet, did a quick trip to get some leather moisturizer, and gave it a quick moisterizing treatment. I know, sounds high maintenance, but, really, it made it look so beautiful and special. For animal love reasons, I choose faux leather most of the time and this real leather purchase was long ago. But, if you're going to have real leather, make it count and make it last. Buy something that you will keep for 10, 20, or more years, rather than getting some cheap leather that will burn out quickly. And make good use of cobblers and other products like leather moisturizers. I have a great pair of everyday leather flats that I have taken to the cobbler around 5 times (they are also ~8 years old). [Notice a pattern? Eight years ago was when I was really getting quality items that I kept around for a while. Those items are still here! That's what I'm shooting for - getting items I'll want to keep for 8, 10, 20 years.] Back to the cobbler - he resoles them and restains the leather and they keep looking fresh. In fact, leather is one of those materials that gets more distinguished with age - kinda like a really sexy man. There are services and treatments that will make your products last much longer than we're used to expecting. A really great leather item is something that, with great care, can get passed on for generations! (I didn't tabulate this in the savings above because I had this idea before meeting with Miss Stylist.)

• Fourth, Stylist noticed that I kept visiting one store over and over again. I had a disproportionate amount of clothes from this store - which is a mid-to-upper level store that sells nice looking clothes for those who want to look professional. It was my go to place - but the fit and sizing were all wrong for me. And, it was making me look a lot more serious and older than I really wanted to look. By trying to look "professional," I was kind of aging myself. I'm in my 20s - I'd like to look it. She noticed this trend and told me (gently) to simply stop going into that store. We would find other places in which I would find items better suited to me and I would have to stop using that as an ill-fitting crutch. Thanks for the tip! No more wasting money there.

• Fifth, it was really fun! It was such a unique experience to do something that I consciously knew was “extravagant,” but I really felt excited about. I had thought long and hard about this and didn’t have any guilt in it. When I would shop before, my motivation would be to get away from feelings of grumpy deprivation. So, I’d “binge” on cheap clothes, then feel guilty and unsatisfied and STILL deprived afterwards. I had broken the diet/binge/diet/binge pattern in my eating habits long ago (and hence, the effortless weight loss mentioned above) and was ready to apply that same mentality to my wardrobe. I felt liberated from those unhealthy habits and excited about this new experience. Spending time with the stylist was fun and I really valued her expertise and opinion. 

At the end of the closet purge appointment, Stylist had put together a shopping list for me and we scheduled our next meeting. We are going to meet at the mall, and she's going to go to all the stores and pull the clothes ahead of time – totally included in her hourly fee that we were going to spend together. So, even before I got there, she's going to have been walking all around getting dressing rooms ready for me. How fantastic and luxurious and amazing.

I’m really excited and can’t wait to tell you more. Overall, this aspect of outsourcing has been really positive for me – I’m happier with my wardrobe, happier with my outfits, more confident in my appearance, taking more effective care of my stressful emotions, and no longer dipping into shopping experiences that are frustrating and guilt-inducing.

More positive emotions + less negative emotions --> all around good stuff.

Personal Stylist: Part II

Second part in the Outsourcing for Women series, particularly devoted to Personal Stylist.

I had booked my first session and decided to start with the closet purge. I wanted to show her what I already had an wanted her opinion on the best value items to add some quality and versatility to my wardrobe. My first session started with a free 30-minute image consultation where I went through a binder of magazine images and showed her what I really liked, and what really wasn’t part of my desired look. She also got information on my lifestyle, habits, and budget.

Next, she went through my wardrobe and helped me identify what was no longer worth keeping, what was great, and what was great with revamped sizing from the tailor. She complimented me on my jeans and my shoe collection, and luckily saw very little need there, so our budget was going to be better used towards those tee shirts I’d been hunting for and accessories. She worked really fast and efficiently, even despite sneezing attacks because I hadn’t vacuumed my closet and there was definitely some dust. I was trying clothes on left and right and was happy to have someone help me purge stuff that really didn’t make me feel or look good.

About 60% of what we kept needed to be tailored. I had lost weight over the prior years, which was a good problem to have, but meant a lot of my clothes looked pretty unprofessional or sloppy on me.

First session was $187.00 – ~1.5 hours of closet purging. After that, every time I looked at my closet I felt like I could breathe – it wasn’t packed to the brim with stuff I had been carrying around with college. It looked like it had been cleansed and was beginning to look well-curated. I had an easier time putting together new outfits, even with significantly less clothes as I hadn’t even been to the tailor, yet!

One week later I was at her recommended tailor. The tailor was so sweet and showed me multiple ways to alter much of the clothing. She would recommend this way or that, and tell me the different pricing options available. She was also quick to recommend the cheaper way of doing things, which I appreciated. I’ve never been one for salesy people.

I had 10 pants, 3 skirts, 1 top, 1 sweater, and 1 dress significantly tailored. Some items needed tailoring in multiple ways (hemmed, pockets sewn shut, waist taken in, thighs taken in, and so on). Grand total - $267.00.

Phew! I was started to get nervous! This was a lot of money!

To gather some data on my past spending for reference, I consulted Mint.com which had been tracking my credit cards and back accounts for 4 years. I learned that in 2012 I spent $3,265.25 on clothing in the prior year. Say what?!? How is that the case? I do not earn much money as a Psychology PhD student, so I really was floored by that amount. So, I went through the individual transactions, and to be fair, there was money spent on gifts and underwear and things you wouldn’t consider part of one’s “wardrobe”. So, let’s be conservative and take $1000 away for those categories – still!! $2,265 in 1 year on a wardrobe that I wasn’t happy about? What in the world was happening? I was really wasting money on purchases I wasn’t pleased with. At least in 2012. No more of that. I was going to be really thoughtful and get joy out of my purchases, but to do that, I needed some expert assistance.

So, I had the tailor experience and a fully revamped wardrobe with great pieces that fit beautifully. A lot of the pieces I got tailored I had bought on a steep discount at sample sales or during college (~5 years ago) when I worked in retail, so paying $20 to breathe new life into a pair of trousers still didn’t make it an expensive item over its lifetime.

My goal was not to use a personal stylist for the rest of my life. The stylist was a lovely person and I loved working with her, but I wanted to develop the skills to shop on my own. But having seen that I was capable of draining thousands of dollars on things that really didn’t satisfy me, I was ready to outsource this skill and learn from an expert.

So, costs so far - $454.

            Stylist fee, tailor fee

Ok, stay with me. I know I've talked a lot about getting rid of stuff and paying lots of money. More good stuff is to come... ;)

To be continued...

Switching gears, briefly: Let's talk about fashion! Personal Stylist: Part I

This is the first in a series of posts that I'm going to do about Outsourcing for Women: Personal Stylist. There's a very successful entrepreneur/writer/blogger named Tim Ferris who wrote The Four Hour Work Week. I've heard a lot about it and people tend to love it for its imaginative and efficient way at dealing with standard work problems that make you work longer than you would actually need to.

I've been interested in the idea of optimizing and making your leisure activities faster. And so begins my investigations into Outsourcing for Women, or The 1 Hour Errand Week, or something else To Be Determined. Anyways, I've started thinking about where my time and energy goes and how to optimize and streamline that so I can do more of what I love and be happier in my day-to-day life. I realized stressing about what to wear/not liking my clothes takes a lot of my time and also brings me down not all the time, but enough to make me think that there's something I can do to stop bringing that on.

And so here begins my multiple part piece on the Personal Stylist.

Cost: $125/hour

Yup, it’s expensive. When I first saw that number I balked and thought, “I don’t have the money for that!” But, bear with me. I’m going to give myself away and let you know that I’m going to argue that it’s worth it and less expensive in the long haul. But, I have lots of words and data to back that up, so stay with me.

I am also going to argue that it makes your wardrobe much more enjoyable! I hated shopping for the longest time and had had many frustrating experiences.

Here is a recap of the frustrating experiences: I often would procrastinate work or distract myself from boredom through online shopping. (Anyone else been there?) It might start out as a browsing trip, but would quickly turn into a hunt. I’d identify something that I was sure I was needing, like soft tee shirts that didn’t look stretched out and baggy from years of wear. But, it was so hard to find something online for the price I wanted, so I’d end up going cheap on myself, or forcing myself to get something from a retailer that offered free shipping and free returns. Much of the time once the item got home, I wouldn’t like it or it wouldn’t fit well. I was constantly cheaping out on myself, but didn’t trust myself to make sound choices in my shopping. I was insecure and that insecurity motivated me to get the cheapest option, which I was ultimately disappointed by. And then my closet ended up being packed with cheap, “fast fashion” that was gratifying in the moment of the purchase, but a few weeks and washes later, was disappointing and ill-fitting. And this didn’t just happen in online shopping bouts – it happened when I went to the mall, too. I just didn’t have the confidence to pick out what I wanted and didn’t feel like I really knew what was worth spending money on, knowing I would wear it for years to come.

And these are the most recent experiences. That doesn’t even touch on the years of being dissatisfied with my body and picking unflattering items off the rack, then blaming myself for not fitting into it or wearing it well. I would see the piece of clothing as the standard, and myself as at fault for not wearing it well. Nevermind the idea that the clothing was at fault, or simply that it wasn’t the best look for me. I would take it all very personally and come home empty-handed or worse, carrying things I didn’t really love.

So, finally frustrated enough to give up doing it all on my own, I searched online and found a local stylist with a blog I really enjoyed. She didn’t promote an unrelatable, unapproachable style of fashion. She had examples of outfits on her website and they ranged in terms of occasion and preference. I thought she had enough flexibility and expertise to help me find a unified look.

Now, before you get all judgey on me, let’s talk about fashion. I’ve rolled my eyes at it for a long time, thought I was better than those people who spent time talking and fussing over clothes. First of all, I apologize to all whom I’ve silently judged before – and maybe not so silently. Your interests and your pastimes are none of my business. Second of all, I was wrong. Whether or not you’re trying to, what you put on your body speaks about you. If you are really anti-fashion and dress in the same clothes you bought from K-Mart in 1993, then you are communicating that you really don’t care about fashion. Or you’re communicating that you’re overworked or overwrought or something else. People judge each other based on appearances, so to say you are above that is simply incorrect. Your physical appearance is the first thing others see and categorize you by, and this is plain and simple cognitive science.

To quote a fashion designer interviewed in the book, Paris Street Style: A Guide to Effortless Chic, Christophe Lemaire, “Clothes are the surest vehicle of self-expression available to us. To dress oneself is not futile – it is an act of profound significance. I believe in a style that expresses the inner self, that is neither a shell nor a disguise for it. To wear clothes is to be oneself, to dream oneself, to be aware of who one is. Dressing allows us to sublimate ourselves and to have fun doing so.”

I think that’s a pretty positive perspective on dressing. There’s no need to spend a fortune on your wardrobe, and if you’re chasing labels and brands to inflate a low self-worth, no amount of shopping is going to make you feel confident. And it's not about being trendy or forcing yourself into someone else's idea of what's good or pretty or acceptable. It's about deciding how you want to exist and be in the world. It's about deciding on the beauty that you want to experience through your own body. And that's what I wanted to cultivate. I wanted to feel confident, beautiful, relatable and, yet, graceful – a delicate balance that I thought an expert might help me achieve.

My stylist offered a range of services: closet purge, online shopping, in-store shopping, “shop and drop” (she shops for you, you try on by yourself, give back what you don’t want), going to the tailor with you, outfit formation, and present shopping. Her website offered all sorts of referrals to local professionals she recommended such as a great tailor, hair stylist, and make-up artist.

I was ready to book. I was feeling overly extravagant and nervous about spending all this money on myself, but I’d had enough of feeling shlumpy when I looked in the mirror. Plus I had a history of being pretty frugal, which meant I had a good amount in my savings account... it was worth a shot.

To be continued...

Creativity: How Are You Blocked?

I'm getting more and more interested in creativity. I've already written about it here. The primary reason why I am interested is because I believe that human beings are innately creatively creatures. We want to contribute to the world in our own unique way. We want to participate in this immensely complicated universe. Our consumer culture often has us believing that the way to be happy is to take and receive and possess things, but I think that what truly brings us happiness is serving, contributing, and participating in a way that thrills us.

However, often the ways that we like to contribute get stifled. The idea of being "blocked" is pretty common within creative circles. Being "blocked," means being stuck, unable to move forward on creating the things that bring you passion. I've often heard it mentioned within the context of writing - "writer's block."

Here, we get the image of a frustrated, confused, stifled person feeling pessimistic and pissed off at themselves. They can't seem to get any ideas together, they can't seem to contribute in a way that seems "good." I have a feeling that the innate creativity that we all possess is massively blocked in many, many people around the world and that that is related to rising rates of depression, anxiety, and other crappy feeling states.

How do we get creatively blocked? One of the biggest culprits is this idea that everything we have to create must be "good." We begin to evaluate ourselves, and suddenly fear this evaluation. We get paralyzed, afraid to move forward on anything because of our own self-talk. We think, "if I think it's bad, then what will others think?" We get terrified of rejection, ridicule, and punishment. So, it makes sense that we back off. It feels bad to put ourselves out there, so we retreat and keep to ourselves. 

However, we end up getting stifled, bored, and stagnant. Humans want to grow, learn, and experience the world through (moderate and manageable) challenges. One of the best ways to figure out what is blocking you, is to imagine yourself being creative. Find a quiet moment and place, close your eyes, and imagine yourself getting involved in a creative pursuit again. 

When I say creative pursuit, I am speaking very broadly. Perhaps you like to make physical things - crafting, painting, drawing, photography, cooking, bartending, barista-ing. Perhaps you are musically inclined and enjoy singing, playing an instrument, composing music, or dancing. Perhaps you are socially inclined and enjoy serving others, connecting people in new relationships, networking. Perhaps you are entrepreneurial and like dreaming up ways to serve the ever-expanding economy with new business offerings. Perhaps you love fashion, and putting together a new way of dressing. Perhaps you love teaching, and imparting and coaching others in academics, sports, and more. Whatever it is, close your eyes, and imagine yourself engaging in your chosen activity.

Imagine yourself feeling calm, focused, engaged and alive.

What pops up? What negative self-talk shows up? Thoughts like...
"I'll never get it right," or
"I'll just be disappointed again," or
"If they [Mom, Dad, friends, boss] find out about this, they'll think I'm weird," or
"I'm not creative, I have nothing original to contribute," or
"I suck at this. I should just stop trying."

Any of those? Anything different from those? This is a normal reaction to this exercise. Our mind dreams of all sorts of ways that we can fail - it's a very evaluative beast. And the mind's evaluation is often really helpful to us. It helps us choose between the rotten apple and the ripe apple in the store. It also helps us choose between rotten ideas (e.g., punching that guy in the face when he makes you angry) and good ideas (e.g., breathe deep and calmly communicate your perspective).
 
However, when we're in creative mode, those evaluative thoughts can freeze us, limit us, and paralyze us. So, take a peek at those negative thoughts that come up and write them down. When you are in a calm state of mind, start practicing addressing those thoughts in a different way. If "I suck" keeps coming up, turn it into, "I can be a beginner and practice to get better," or "maybe I'm not so bad," or "it doesn't have to matter how good this is - what matters is how I feel when I am creative."  

Through practicing noticing the negative self-talk that comes up around your creative passions, you can gradually unblock yourself and make it safe to practice being creative again. Try it out - at the very least, it'll give you a great lesson in the silly ways you may be talking to yourself day in and day out. By examining our self-talk we can loosen its grip on us, leading us to live more authentic, flexible daily lives in the pursuit of meaning, connection, and vitality.

How Are You Separating Yourself?

One of the brilliant things about our minds is the way it is capable of categorizing experiences, ideas, and objects. We learn to categorize things in our environment to help us make "short cuts". So, when I see a round, red object, I quickly can identify if it's an apple, a tomato, or a Christmas ornament. This helps in many ways - it helps us to know what is safe and what's not safe. I can bite into an apple with no fear that it's actually a glass ornament meant for a pine tree. It also helps us to make decisions more quickly. If I'm making pizza, I'd rather be able to quickly identify the items in my "pizza" category, as opposed to getting constantly pulled in millions of directions by an uncategorized mind.

However, this tendency to categorize also leads to a lot of mental pitfalls. One of the biggest is stereotyping - rampant in U.S. culture. We identify certain physical qualities about a person and then put that person into a category of what we've learned to associate with those qualities. This can lead us to behave in ways that are hurtful, harmful, or even simply limiting. Stereotyping leads us to generalize and make assumptions about the intentions, capabilities, and qualities of people we might not even know.

Categorization can also serve to pulls us farther away from people in our environment through assumptions about what is a "right" fit for me. As humans, we often have a desire to belong. In searching to fulfill that desire, we may seek people that we feel are in similar categories as us. However, this will automatically screen out lots of people that may enrich our lives. We can do this with foods, activities, and experiences, too. We often have beliefs about "who I am" and "what I like" that can really constrain our willingness to try new things and meet new people.

Remember, this image is really only a man-made image:

Those lines aren't really there. Those dividers, those categorizations, are not true, innate aspects of the Earth. In truth, this is what our world looks like:

Practice recognizing when your mind is categorizing for you - and ask yourself, are the lines I'm drawing between myself and others helpful in this circumstance? Categories are helpful in living our daily lives, but when they severely limit our willingness to get out of the story we've written for ourselves and the lines we've decided apply to us, that's when it's time to really look at whether or not we want them sticking around.

Your Mood is Your Responsibility

This post comes from a place of genuine care - this is not intended to be a dose of "tough love." That's not really my style.

So, this is my message of the day: your mood is your responsibility. I think this statement applies in almost all situations. There are certain situations where this doesn't quite apply - for example if you are the victim in an abusive relationship or contending with issues of extreme poverty and hardship, this idea requires a more nuanced approach. However, for those out there struggling with day-to-day struggles, hassles, difficulties, and associated anxiety, depression, and just crappy funks and ruts - I'm talking to you.

Let me reiterate: Your Mood is Your Responsibility. When we experience a bad mood (whether that's angry, sad, upset, anxious, and so on), we usually look outside of us to figure out how to "fix" this negative mood state. We look to our possessions and have thoughts like, "Uggghhh, I'm not excited enough by my clothes, my car, my house, my furniture, my partner..." 

And, so often, our knee-jerk reaction is - I'll just go shopping. It makes sense that [my clothes, my car, my hair] isn't good enough, so I'll get something new - that'll fix it and I'll feel better.

Maybe so. But, if you look back on this pattern, is it fair to say that you are able to "fix it," but only for the short-term? Shortly after your latest "fix," you'll get that itch again - those feelings of being stuck, empty, boring, or sad come back as though nothing has changed.

It's like we keep trying to get a grip on happiness and hold it close to our hearts. We think we'll be fixed by our latest consumer conquest, but that just doesn't cut it once we re-adjust and get used to it.

We also often do this "fix it consumerism" within our relationships, too. We see other people as sources of our happiness. It is wonderful if hanging with your child, your nephew, your friend, your grandma, your boyfriend, your wife makes your heart sing. Those are wonderful moments to cultivate. Letting other people shine in your life is an excellent skill to practice.

However, depending on others to regulate your mood is not fair and, worse, it's dangerous. You are responsible for how you feel and it's not anyone else's responsibility or obligation to make you happy. Oftentimes we don't realize we're depending on others to make us happy because we haven't been taught otherwise.

The truth is, it's the experiences we give to ourselves that will give us sustaining, long-term happiness. We cultivate happiness in our lives, when we cultivate meaning. And we cultivate meaning through the activities we engage in, through the goals we design, through the ways in which we express our creativity.

So, let me ask you this: what are some of the things you do (not have, borrow, or own) that you enjoy?

Make a list of 15 things you enjoy doing, right now. Pull up a quick piece of scrap paper or open a new word document and jot them down. Seriously - stop reading and give it a try.

...... ...... ......

Was it easy? It wasn't for me when I first tried it. I was a bit embarrassed to find that I was having trouble listing things that I liked to do. Things that I liked to do just because I liked them - not because I've roped myself into doing them out of responsibility. How can we be responsible for our own moods when we never do anything to maintain them?

So, please, practice writing out that list. Start remembering the things that you like. If you're still having trouble, go back to childhood - what types of things did you like to do then? Can you try some of them again?

Once you have your list, schedule yourself 2 hours per week to do one of those activities, just for yourself. This is part of regular mood maintenance and an essential piece in taking back the responsibility for your emotions.

I know it's not glamorous to take ownership of your emotions. The romantic comedies and romantic novels/thrillers of our popular culture would have us believe that it is just so exciting, so enthralling, so life-giving to find that person/job/possession that just makes you feel euphoria.

It's all well and good to have sources of entertainment, but these are stories. Enjoy them all you like, but don't get your ideas about lasting happiness and healthy relationships from them, please. 

I'm all for feelings of love, joy, euphoria and bliss, but within the context of lasting, sustainable happiness - not within the context of emotional roller coasters bouncing from cheap high to cheap high. Let's reign in the fast food, fast fashion, cheap thrills and emotional games and instead start investing in long-term, lasting meaningfulness and happiness.