How Are You Separating Yourself?

One of the brilliant things about our minds is the way it is capable of categorizing experiences, ideas, and objects. We learn to categorize things in our environment to help us make "short cuts". So, when I see a round, red object, I quickly can identify if it's an apple, a tomato, or a Christmas ornament. This helps in many ways - it helps us to know what is safe and what's not safe. I can bite into an apple with no fear that it's actually a glass ornament meant for a pine tree. It also helps us to make decisions more quickly. If I'm making pizza, I'd rather be able to quickly identify the items in my "pizza" category, as opposed to getting constantly pulled in millions of directions by an uncategorized mind.

However, this tendency to categorize also leads to a lot of mental pitfalls. One of the biggest is stereotyping - rampant in U.S. culture. We identify certain physical qualities about a person and then put that person into a category of what we've learned to associate with those qualities. This can lead us to behave in ways that are hurtful, harmful, or even simply limiting. Stereotyping leads us to generalize and make assumptions about the intentions, capabilities, and qualities of people we might not even know.

Categorization can also serve to pulls us farther away from people in our environment through assumptions about what is a "right" fit for me. As humans, we often have a desire to belong. In searching to fulfill that desire, we may seek people that we feel are in similar categories as us. However, this will automatically screen out lots of people that may enrich our lives. We can do this with foods, activities, and experiences, too. We often have beliefs about "who I am" and "what I like" that can really constrain our willingness to try new things and meet new people.

Remember, this image is really only a man-made image:

Those lines aren't really there. Those dividers, those categorizations, are not true, innate aspects of the Earth. In truth, this is what our world looks like:

Practice recognizing when your mind is categorizing for you - and ask yourself, are the lines I'm drawing between myself and others helpful in this circumstance? Categories are helpful in living our daily lives, but when they severely limit our willingness to get out of the story we've written for ourselves and the lines we've decided apply to us, that's when it's time to really look at whether or not we want them sticking around.

Your Mood is Your Responsibility

This post comes from a place of genuine care - this is not intended to be a dose of "tough love." That's not really my style.

So, this is my message of the day: your mood is your responsibility. I think this statement applies in almost all situations. There are certain situations where this doesn't quite apply - for example if you are the victim in an abusive relationship or contending with issues of extreme poverty and hardship, this idea requires a more nuanced approach. However, for those out there struggling with day-to-day struggles, hassles, difficulties, and associated anxiety, depression, and just crappy funks and ruts - I'm talking to you.

Let me reiterate: Your Mood is Your Responsibility. When we experience a bad mood (whether that's angry, sad, upset, anxious, and so on), we usually look outside of us to figure out how to "fix" this negative mood state. We look to our possessions and have thoughts like, "Uggghhh, I'm not excited enough by my clothes, my car, my house, my furniture, my partner..." 

And, so often, our knee-jerk reaction is - I'll just go shopping. It makes sense that [my clothes, my car, my hair] isn't good enough, so I'll get something new - that'll fix it and I'll feel better.

Maybe so. But, if you look back on this pattern, is it fair to say that you are able to "fix it," but only for the short-term? Shortly after your latest "fix," you'll get that itch again - those feelings of being stuck, empty, boring, or sad come back as though nothing has changed.

It's like we keep trying to get a grip on happiness and hold it close to our hearts. We think we'll be fixed by our latest consumer conquest, but that just doesn't cut it once we re-adjust and get used to it.

We also often do this "fix it consumerism" within our relationships, too. We see other people as sources of our happiness. It is wonderful if hanging with your child, your nephew, your friend, your grandma, your boyfriend, your wife makes your heart sing. Those are wonderful moments to cultivate. Letting other people shine in your life is an excellent skill to practice.

However, depending on others to regulate your mood is not fair and, worse, it's dangerous. You are responsible for how you feel and it's not anyone else's responsibility or obligation to make you happy. Oftentimes we don't realize we're depending on others to make us happy because we haven't been taught otherwise.

The truth is, it's the experiences we give to ourselves that will give us sustaining, long-term happiness. We cultivate happiness in our lives, when we cultivate meaning. And we cultivate meaning through the activities we engage in, through the goals we design, through the ways in which we express our creativity.

So, let me ask you this: what are some of the things you do (not have, borrow, or own) that you enjoy?

Make a list of 15 things you enjoy doing, right now. Pull up a quick piece of scrap paper or open a new word document and jot them down. Seriously - stop reading and give it a try.

...... ...... ......

Was it easy? It wasn't for me when I first tried it. I was a bit embarrassed to find that I was having trouble listing things that I liked to do. Things that I liked to do just because I liked them - not because I've roped myself into doing them out of responsibility. How can we be responsible for our own moods when we never do anything to maintain them?

So, please, practice writing out that list. Start remembering the things that you like. If you're still having trouble, go back to childhood - what types of things did you like to do then? Can you try some of them again?

Once you have your list, schedule yourself 2 hours per week to do one of those activities, just for yourself. This is part of regular mood maintenance and an essential piece in taking back the responsibility for your emotions.

I know it's not glamorous to take ownership of your emotions. The romantic comedies and romantic novels/thrillers of our popular culture would have us believe that it is just so exciting, so enthralling, so life-giving to find that person/job/possession that just makes you feel euphoria.

It's all well and good to have sources of entertainment, but these are stories. Enjoy them all you like, but don't get your ideas about lasting happiness and healthy relationships from them, please. 

I'm all for feelings of love, joy, euphoria and bliss, but within the context of lasting, sustainable happiness - not within the context of emotional roller coasters bouncing from cheap high to cheap high. Let's reign in the fast food, fast fashion, cheap thrills and emotional games and instead start investing in long-term, lasting meaningfulness and happiness.

Creative: Our Natural State

I've been hearing about creativity more and more these days. It's on a lot of people's minds lately - creativity is both desirable and elusive. And understandably, so. Creativity is one of the predominant joys in the world - the creative minds behind Harry Potter (J.K. Rowling), Pixar films, the fashion and culinary industries are fascinating to us. We love to consume and see what is coming up next.

Research has tried to understand what creativity is and how to get it. We often think of creativity like lightning bugs, something we have to track, stalk, pounce on, and keep in a jar all for ourselves. And isn't that beautiful?

But, what if we're thinking of it wrong. What if creativity is not a trait, not a skill, not an innate talent that some have and some don't. What if creativity is our natural state, a natural way of being, that we have unlearned through years of formal training in logic, reason, rationality, and "realism." What if instead of stalking, trapping, and voyeuristically consuming our own creativity and that of others, we tried on a new idea. What if creativity is a wild, whimsical, playful state or mood that is accessible to ALL of us? Instead of trapping the fireflies, we just have to recognize that we're in the field and creativity has been accessible to us all along.

 

What a gorgeous idea. 

So let's sit with that idea. And let's take some advice from others who promote that idea. One such gentleman is Mr. John Cleese, an English actor, comedian, and writer behind many wildly successful comedies, such as the Monty Python sketches and films. 

He gave a speech a while back which has been documented here. The footage appears a bit dated, but the material is spot on.

I'll summarize his ideas and you can feel free to watch the video if you like. He's got quick a few jokes to make it an entertaining learning experience. 

Anyways, creativity is a state. It is childlike, playful, and helps people to make associations where we didn't see them before. That's what humor is all about - helping us to make associations between ideas or concepts that were previously separate.

In order to get into that creative state, we have to help ourselves release the chains of the hyperevaluative logic mind.

Here are the necessary components, according to John:

1. space
2. time
3. time, again
4. confidence
5. humor

Space

We need a quiet place where we won't be disturbed. Where we can separate from the rest of the world and the "to-dos" of our everything life. Close the door, empty the house, get a little space from the things that may be goading you to work harder, faster, do more, do more, do more.

If you don't have a space like this, check out this article for some ideas on how to set it up.

Time

You need to give yourself enough time to disengage from your logic mind. It takes about 30 minutes to wind down from the to dos. Your mind will keep popping up saying, "you've gotta do this, you've gotta take the trash out. You forgot to do that. You need to call that person." That's ok - just let the chatter go on and tolerate it for a little bit.

Give yourself 1.5 hours to be in this creative state. That gives you 30 minutes to get into the state, 1 hour to start experiencing some of those creativity ideas and musings, and then gets you back into the rest of your life.

Time, again

You not only need to give yourself plenty of time to get into the creative state and stay there, you need to give yourself plenty of time to spend on 1 single problem or question.


John Cleese believed that another of his co-writers was more brilliant and talented that he was, but John saw that he continually came up with better ideas in his own writing. John realized that the reason for this was that he spent more time on each question he was pondering than his co-writer. He didn't rush to make a decision. That rushing to make a decision - that's caused by anxiety. It's uncomfortable to not know. It's uncomfortable to be experiencing uncertainty. But, it's ok - it's part of the process.

So, stick with a problem, delay making a decision until when it's necessary, and allow lots of possibilities to come to you.

Confidence

It is essential to postpone evaluative thinking while you are in creative mode. Thinking that you have to arrive at the "right" answer will only strangle your ability to think in unique ways. Think of this creative time as an experimental time. Play with thoughts such as...

• what if?
• let's pretend...
• what about...
• let's try

 Allow yourself to be spontaneous and allow yourself the risk of saying or thinking something silly, illogical, or "wrong". That's part of the process, too, and sometimes you have to play with 10 illogical ideas to find the 1 that will fit in the rest of your life.

Humor

John believes that nothing moves us faster from a serious, logic-based mindset to a creative one than humor. Laughter is an automatically playful state.

Even if you are making a serious decision, that doesn't mean that humor has no role. Serious does not have to equal solemn. You can make important, serious decisions that matter, while keeping your mind in a creative, humorous state.

Cleese gives the example of funerals - a very serious, almost always solemn, affair. The most moving, meaningful, and loving funerals he has attended have included strong doses of humor. Humor can be a tool to cleanse the mind and release strong emotions. To honor a dear loved one through humor, as well as tears, is not disrespectful - it can be extremely loving.

Humor is an essential component of spontaneity, playfulness, and creativity.

So, those are the components you need: space, time, time, confidence, and humor.

Creativity is a state separate from your regular life. It is unrealistic to think you can be in an imaginary, creative, associative place all the time, because otherwise you'd be unable to execute any of your ideas. However, give yourself some time this week to be creative. If you don't have the tools, yet, work on thinking about where your quiet space could be. If you don't have space in your home - could you find some space in a local library? Outdoor park? In your car, overlooking a quiet vista? There is a lot of room for flexibility here, so just get moving on one idea and play with it.

Enjoy :)

 

Stress: Only the Enemy if You Say it is...

I am so excited about this post.

Psychological research and foundations have consistently discovered and promoted the knowledge that our minds are far, far, far, far, far more powerful than we realize. Psychotherapy is often targeted towards identifying thought patterns that aren't helpful or correct, and adjusting those patterns to positively impact your mood and actions.

This video knocks this line of thinking out of the park. This is a TED talk from a health psychologist and Stanford lecturer, Kelly McGonigle, PhD.

For a long time, I've believed that STRESS is toxic, awful, yucky, and just plain unpleasant. Tons of research points towards stress being a leading cause of many physical and mental health problems, such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, cancer, fibromyaglia, depression, anxiety, and tons more.

However, I've also heard so many of my patients with both chronic and acute illnesses say, "I've just got to stay away from stress." While this sounds all well and good, what it in effect tends to mean is, "I've just got to avoid anyone/anything/everything that bothers/worries/scares/challenges me." This leads to people becoming isolated and worse, bored.

So, instead I encourage patients to be less worried about stress itself, and more concerned with adapting their reactions to stress. Instead of freaking out about the traffic, change how you react to that traffic. Prepare yourself for those freeway moments with extra music, podcasts, or ideas to mull over. Instead of avoiding that important person in your life who bothers you (parent, friend, significant others...), think about what you really want for that relationship and behave in a way that matches your values. Take care of your feelings along the way (don't stuff them, for the love of Pete), but don't retreat from life because it presents you a challenge and asks you to grow.

This video expands on these ideas further, to demonstrate research findings that suggest that stress is only harmful, toxic, awful for us IF WE THINK IT IS. If you are unconcerned about the global effects of stress on your body and your life, chances are you're going to be just fine. This is fantastic research and I will be talking about this more and more with my patients.

So, take some time to watch this video. It's only 15 minutes of your day. If you're really in a rush, you can watch it in fast-forward mode (you can still hear the words, don't worry) by going to this website to enable "HTML5".

(And if you're really in that much of a rush, chances are, this video is perfect for you.)

Instructions:

1. Click on this youtube link.
2. Click the blue box that says "Join the HTML5 trial".
3. Go to the original youtube.com video page and click on the little gear icon in the same toolbar as the "play" button.
4. Under "Speed" select 1.5x or 2.0x (whichever you want).

More important instructions:

1. Watch this video either fast or slow and start the transformation of what stress means in your life!

Feel more, do less.

Somatic Pain: Emotions Re-expressed

In my last post, I talked about emotional acceptance as a different approach to managing one's feelings (as opposed to pushing away, or resisting, them). Interestingly, the very next day I experienced my own way of somaticizing my emotions. To somaticize means to transform one's emotions into physical symptoms. Emotions come with their own inherent physical symptoms:

• Anxiety: heart racing, palms sweating, teeth chattering
• Anger: heart racing, feeling hot, jaw clenching
• Excitement: heart racing, feeling jittery, shakiness

However, when we somaticize, we are getting extra physical symptoms on top of those that come with emotions naturally. This is not by choice or on purpose or even within conscious awareness. That's important to know. We don't choose to somaticize - it simply happens by way of our programming.

I experienced this yesterday, while working on a data project that I don't love. I was rushing through it, with thoughts such as, "I just want this to be over" and "this project is so frustrating". I wasn't letting myself take a break, but not on purpose or to punish myself, simply because I thought, "hey, the sooner I get through this, the sooner it's over." But, in reality, it was merely making my current life miserable to keep delaying gratification (a break) to the future. So, I was feeling frustrated, anxious, angry, and irritated, and not letting myself feel or process those emotions. Instead, I was

• pushing
• pushing
• pushing
• pushing
• to get finished as fast as I possibly could.

I wanted to do this:

But, instead I did this, as always:

I may have looked like I was doing OK on the outside, but in reality, I was "white-knuckling."

In order to hold myself there on that project, I had to ignore my emotions and everything my emotions were telling me to do ("just quit this project, quit this job, you can find something else to do instead!").

I do this a lot, especially with data projects. We all do this a lot. We hold ourselves where we don't want to be, thinking "no pain, no gain" and "anything worth having takes hard work." We spend our whole lives delaying gratification to someday "sleep when we're dead." We don't do this on purpose, we think we're supposed to. We believe that's how you achieve success and win and thrive. However, those emotions are still hanging around. We don't stop wanting to quit, to leave, to try something else. We just keep ignoring those feelings.

So the feelings come out in different ways. And yesterday, I had a perfect illustration of that. My right forearm started hurting and I started getting strange pain in my shoulder when I would move my arm. Totally out of the blue. My first thought was, "oh I started doing push ups again - I must have tweaked something." And then immediately, I realized, "nope, this is my emotions speaking." I am so thankful I know all about somaticizing of emotions and I wouldn't know it without the writings of John Sarno, M.D., who has published on this phenomenon. If you want more info immediately, you can look up some of his books: The Mindbody Prescription: Healing the Body, Healing the Pain and The Divided Mind. I like The Divided Mind best, but starting anywhere is great. I should also say that I am in no way connected to Dr. Sarno and receive no compensation or benefits from you reading his book. I've never met him, but think he is awesome and brilliant for publishing on this highly valuable, but controversial, health topic.

If you're not ready to read a big book, just hang here because I'll keep writing on this. I am so passionate about it and believe this information has the power to cure millions of people of debilitating, demoralizing, and expensive disorders that do not need traditional Western medical treatment. This, here, is just a starter post.

Know this - if you're feeling pain related to an injury that you can see with your eyes, that definitely happened (cut your finger, broke a bone, sprained ankle with swelling), then you do have some tissue damage that needs to heal. However, many of the injuries that we expect to cause chronic, unremitting pain do not have to do so. There are other explanations, and other treatments. If you're like me, and suddenly, weirdly, get a pain in your wrist, your back, your head, anywhere - it could very well be related to emotional pain that you've been ignoring and pushing away. Practice some of your emotional awareness and emotional acceptance skills and see what happens.

Feel more, do less!

Emotional Acceptance: What You Resist, Persists.

In the previous posts, I presented information on emotional functioning and emotional awareness. We talked about the function of emotions:

• to inform you of your interpretation of events
• to motivate behavior and give you urges to do something to feel better

How we are feeling in any situation gives important insight into our thought processes behind all of our experiences. If I have a strong belief that the world is dangerous, I'm going to get very upset when cut off in traffic, because it hits on that trigger point for me, making me feel threatened. However, if I have a strong belief in my own safety and security, if I get cut off in traffic, it may be surprising or startling, but it's not necessarily going to push me to the brink of road rage.

Speaking of road rage - that's where the urges come in. Emotions are almost always paired with urges to do stuff. Fix it! Get revenge! Apologize! Make it better! The urges come in many forms, and sometimes they're helpful. However, oftentimes they are not. Fear and anxiety often come with urges to self-medicate (drugs, drinks), numb out (TV), or retreat (isolate, withdraw), when those behaviors are unlikely to long-term help your circumstances.

Finally, emotions can serve to validate us. Oftentimes we seek to deny the way we perceive things to ourselves. Not necessarily consciously, but our mind is so quick to distract us from uncomfortable or distressing feelings. By getting further in touch with our emotional experience, we're improving our ability to understand our perspective, and this help us to improve circumstances to improve our feeling state.

Also, we've essentially been taught to repress our emotions in order to get ahead in life. Hate your job? Too bad, work harder. That's the modern way. The only way through the mud is through it. It's hard to say whether or not that's right - it probably depends on the person and circumstances. However, if you are slogging through the mud of your life, constantly looking for the silver lining and ignoring the fact that your shoes are full of mud and blisters are forming and the mosquitoes just won't quit... things are can get pretty crappy for you. Why? Because if you are constantly ignoring and repressing your emotions, they're going to come out in other ways.

They can come out in some of the following ways:

• migraines
• chronic back pain
• skin disorders
• acne
• eczema
• psoriasis
• autoimmune disorders
• addictions
• drugs
• alcohol
• sex
• gambling
• shopping
• loss of productivity
•  TV
• napping

Sucks, right? The good news is that it doesn't have to be this way. With greater emotional awareness, we can use the emotional experience to fuel positive changes in our lives and move away from getting what we call somatic (bodily) effects of negative emotions.

To get there, we need to cultivate emotional acceptance.

Acceptance means: to acknowledge as present.

Acceptance does not mean: to approve of, to like, to want more of.

I'm not asking you to love your anger, enjoy your jealousy, or luxuriate in your anxiety. I'm just simply suggesting instead that you try to accept and nonjudgmentally notice when it is showing up.

We all want to push away our negative experiences. However, as Carl Jung said, "what you resist, persists." The harder you push against something, the harder it fights for your attention.

In order to leave someplace, we must first arrive there. Therefore, we must fully accept and feel that we are angry, in order to move into a less angry, calmer place. It's a necessary stepping stone that modern society has asked us to skip. That's not working, though. We can all see that.

It's not working to bypass your feelings - that's why you're reading this, because you can feel in your gut that that's true.

Let's start just by accepting that emotions are a part of all human experience. Emotions are non-negotiable, and once you have an alliance with them, they're invaluable.  Practice noticing, labeling, and accepting your emotions without pushing them away. We'll chat about tools you can use to soothe them in a later post.

Feel more, do less, friends.

Emotions 201

Emotions: Why do we have them?

Last time we chatted we reviewed the basics of emotions. We learned that emotions are the result of our interpretations of internal and external events, which in turn are the result of our beliefs. Our beliefs are formed, shaped, and handed down to us through our experiences with the world, our cultural upbringing and environment, and our personal narratives, or the stories we tell ourselves. When I refer to internal and external events, I basically mean evvverything you can perceive.

External events are things that happen outside of your body:

•  Someone cuts you off in traffic
• You witness someone crying
• A puppy runs towards you

Internal events are things that happen inside of your body:

• You feel nervous before public speaking
• You feel excitement at the thought of a meeting with a friend 
• You feel embarrassed at being stood up on a date

As mentioned in the previous post, the emotions that are generated from our interpretation of these events are often layered. Primary negative emotions are the first reaction and usually are of a powerless nature (e.g., fear, pain, sadness). Secondary emotions layer on top of those vulnerable primary emotions in an effort to make sense of the interpretation and protect you (e.g., anger, frustration, self-righteousness).

As we gain a better foothold into respecting and honoring our emotions, I’d like to review some basic information about why we have emotions. At the most fundamental level, emotions ensure that we survive. When we first experience anger at injuring ourselves as young children, we learn that we don’t like to feel pain. Similarly, when we experience fear of our caregiver’s scolding after we reach towards the stove, we learn to do what our caregiver says so as to avoid the fear of another person’s anger. These early emotional experiences are part of our emotional survival mechanisms. Without emotions, we wouldn’t know to run away from a tiger in the middle of the jungle. Without emotions, we wouldn’t learn to avoid walking into traffic and to seek love and affection, thereby securing social bonds.

Commonly, if you ask someone how he or she feels about an event or situation, their answer will be “good” or “bad.” And this level of specificity is just fine much of the time. In the United States, a common social greeting is to say, “Hey, how are you?” with the typical expectation that the answerer will respond something brief and nonspecific such as “good,” “fine,” or “just dandy.” This cultural practice was a disheartening learning experience for a Turkish friend of mine who moved to the U.S. for college. He would be greeted in passing with, “Hey, how are you?” by an American classmate and he’d often find himself chasing after the classmate, trying to fully express and explain how he was doing, while the American classmate seemed confused about all the specificities. In these culturally-laden circumstances, it’s completely appropriate to identify your feelings as merely “good” or “bad.” However, when we’re really trying to understand what’s going on for you with regards to a certain situation or event, more information is very necessary. Let’s talk about some common emotions with some more specific examples. 

Anger is an emotion that often arises when we interpret a situation in a threatening manner and feel the need to defend ourselves. For example, let’s say you have an employee named Bob who is a little more than lackluster in work performance. He seems to be completely disregarding your wishes and is spending the majority of his time at work shopping for his next rim upgrade for his car. This can be interpreted as threatening on a number of different levels. First, Bob is disregarding your authority in this situation (threatening your position in the structure of the company). Second, he is wasting company resources (threatening your ability to move the company forward). Third, he is taking up your time and energy (threatening your work morale). And so on. Often when we experience these thoughts and the emotion of anger, our response is to defend ourselves. And so anger shows up, asking you to pull the plug on his computer and kick him out in the most shame-inducing manner possible. 

 

Jealousy arises when we see something that someone else has, and believe that we can’t also have that thing. Often jealousy arises due to an interpretation that includes a filter of the scarcity mentality. The scarcity mentality orients us to perceive the world from a glass-half-empty stance, believing that another’s successes and victories take away from our own ability to be successful and victorious. So, if your other co-worker, Janice, gets a promotion, you might experience jealousy if you have adopted the view that your company has finite promotion resources and her success crowds out your own. 

Many, many other negative emotions can arise due to our interpretations, such as regret, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, envy, fear, anxiety, and more. These emotions are difficult to experience and, due to a lack of training in tolerance for these emotions within many industrialized cultures, we often seek to run away from these experiences. Fortunately, we often can experience multitudes of positive emotions that are resultant from our interpretations, as well, such as contentment, bliss, joy, gratitude, appreciation, and inspiration. The ability to increase our experiences of positive emotions requires that we first recognize and gain awareness into when we do experience negative emotions, and then work to understand and examine the interpretations that led to the development of those emotions.

So, for the next week or so, I recommend that you simply ask yourself five times a day (yes, all five), “what am I feeling? How am I feeling it?” Set an alarm if you have to. This may take a few minutes initially, but eventually you’ll gain speed with your ability to identify different feeling states. Notice how each feeling state feels at an emotional, physical, and mind level.

             

Ask yourself: 

• what feelings am I having right now?
• Where do I feel those feelings in my body?
• What is my mind doing in response to these feelings? 

At this point, there is no need to try to change your emotion, though if you’re feeling down, chances are you’ll be pulled in that direction automatically. No matter; you can let your emotional processes continue to function as typical for you and we’ll talk about that in later posts. For now, just increase your ability to identify what’s going on for you at least 5 different times in the day. The goal of this exercise is to raise your awareness of your emotional state, as well as its fluctuations throughout the day.

Use and even print out the feeling list I’ve posted here as a guide. You may find some feelings show up more than others. That’s useful information. You may also find that you experience some feelings that are included on this list – what are those? I’d love to hear in the comments.