However, our beliefs can be difficult to get a handle on. Why? Because they are so deeply ingrained in how we think and how we behave in the world.
Examining the way we are thinking and focusing on our world is very similar to a fish swimming in water. You have to "jump out" of your thinking to notice it, much the same way that a fish must jump out of water to even notice he is swimming in water. In all other circumstances, the water completely surrounds him, externally and internally.
It's also tricky because as soon as you get a glimpse of your thinking, phmooof! You're right back in it again. In the image above, as soon as the fish realizes it's out of the water, it's going to dive right back in. It will have to keep jumping out again and again to get more and more glimpses at the water. In the same way, you have to continually look for opportunities to look at your thinking.
You know what gives you great opportunities? Your emotions. Monitoring your emotions is an amazing way to get those "out of the water" opportunities. Your emotions are driven by your thoughts. As you get better and better at noticing negative emotion states, you will get better and better at monitoring your thoughts. Even trickier, is that your thoughts won't necessarily reveal your beliefs to you immediately. You have to sit with those thoughts and really understand why they are coming to pass.
Let me share a personal example to illustrate this:
I recently spent the winter holidays with lots of family. As is natural, the time came to say goodbye to some of them. I tend to feel uncomfortable around goodbyes - I haven't quite understood it, yet. I'll figure it out soon, but for now, my beliefs underlying my "goodbye reactions" are a little bit of a mystery to me.
Anyways, it was time for a goodbye to an extended family member and I felt uncomfortable, as usual.
We hugged and he said, "great to see you".
I was on autopilot as I often am during goodbyes and said, "good to see you".
I smiled and let go of the hug and pretended to go on my merry way, silently panicking inside...
"He said "great"!!! I said "good"!!! Damn it, what if he thinks I'm insulting him? Damn it, I should've said 'great' back! Why can't I get it together? He probably thinks I hate him. How can I fix this?!...." and so on and so forth... chastising myself for being an obvious idiot...
OK, I know this is a very overblown reaction - but that's what happens with anxiety, right? I spent a while trying to squish the feelings of anxiety away. Until I finally owned up to the reaction. (Of course, all of this is happening inside my head...)
"OK, you're freaking out about this. WHY?"
"Because I always screw things up." Ouch. That's a tough thought to have. Where's that coming from?
"I could have hurt him with my luke warm goodbye." Really? You have that much influence? What else?
"I just feel like a bad person if I don't do things perfectly." So, if you don't do things perfectly, then...
"I'm a bad person." Got it.
It took some work, but I found the distorted belief that was underneath the seemingly random reaction to what from the outside probably looked a like a perfectly fine goodbye exchange. And it doesn't rationally follow if you look at it. I said "good," he said "great,"... and that equals "I'm a bad person"?
Yes. To my distorted beliefs. This is not a rational, intellectual process - it's emotional. As you go through this for yourself, you may see some really windy pathways to your limiting beliefs. That's perfectly OK, the goal is to identify the belief.
For some reason, at some point, I developed the belief that "I'm a bad person" unless I do everything perfectly. How's that for a lose-lose situation? It's totally illogical and off-base, because if I rationally go through it, I'm a perfectly great person, but that belief is still hanging around.
By looking at my emotions, I was able to identify a belief that was dragging me down.
So, the steps to do this on your own are:
1. Monitor your emotions. When a negative emotion shows up...
2. Monitor your thoughts. Ask yourself why you are having this reaction, until...
3. You reach a clear, pure statement about yourself, other people, or the world. Such as;
- I'm a bad person
- The world is dangerous
- Other people hate me
It's time to sweep the corners of our minds and find the distorted beliefs that are holding us back.
Next post, I'll detail how to let go of and substitute the negative beliefs that are getting in your way. What we want to do is keep changing the core beliefs that we use to view the world until our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world are as supportive, effective, and helpful as possible (while being based in your own reality, of course). We can keep changing the water that we're swimming in, little by little.
The result of changing the water you swim in? A new perspective on life, happier feelings, and the ability to think more flexibly about your options and what is possible for you.
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