As I mentioned before, our beliefs structure how we view the world? How so? By selectively pulling in the information that we notice, process, and use to determine our next thoughts, words, and actions. The human brain receives over 11 million pieces of information every SECOND! That is, literally, insane. We are not able to process that much information at any one time - what to know what we do instead? Each of our brains choose 40 pieces of information per second to process. What that means is that we are not paying attention to 10,999,60 pieces of information every second. How does the brain choose? It's not consciously, I can assure you of that. Your brain chooses for you, but what it chooses is based on is our mental filters... also known as our beliefs.
Here are some examples:
You've probably experienced this when you've been in a state that makes you scared. All of a sudden, you notice you're home alone, and your belief that "the world is dangerous" or "bad things happen in the dark" gets activated. Then, your brain starts filtering in all of the random bumps, scratches, and noises in your home. Suddenly shadows that you never would have noticed catch your eye and you focus intently to figure out what they are. In these moments, your brain is pulling in the information that matches the belief, "the world is dangerous."
This also happens when people have beliefs that they are socially awkward, leading to feelings of social anxiety. They monitor other people's faces intently for any sign of disapproval. They are intensely focused on their own portrayal and scrutinize their own body for signs of sweating, blushing, and hand shaking. In turn, their brain is so focused on all of his monitoring of self and others, they lose attention on the conversation, thereby leading to awkward pauses or verbal blunders.... and fulfilling the belief that they are socially awkward.
Our reality is also filtered in terms of the possibilities we imagine for ourselves. When we see only one option, we can see only one road. When we are able to broaden our mental filters, we are able to see more options, more roads, more possibilities for ourselves. It's as though the tiny goldfish gets to upgrade to bigger and bigger fish bowls of possibilities.
Shawn Achor, a positive psychology researcher, has done research to prove that success (what we are all always seeking) can only come after we achieve happiness. But, happiness can only come after we have adopted beliefs that success and happiness are possible. If you can't believe that success, happiness, fun, and goodness are possible for you, then you will be vastly limited in your ability to see the options available to you and act accordingly.
So how do you shift those beliefs you've identified?
Incrementally, gradually, but powerfully. It's not realistic to move from "I'm a bad person" to "I'm ammmaaazzzziinngg!". Your brain won't believe it. And you won't retain it.
This is where most of that "just think positive" line of self-help is so massively ineffective. You can't just substitute happy-go-lucky thoughts for big, old, bummer thoughts. It doesn't work that way. You have to gradually shift your thinking in order for it to be effective. And gradual shifting is based in reality.
I find it helpful to write things down or talk out loud. Talking out loud is very effective if you are able to bring someone else in to help you - someone professionally-trained to think broadly and objectively, such as a psychologist, therapist, coach, or counselor.
First, write down the belief that is holding you back.
Next, write down all of the evidence that is in your reality that supports that belief. Then, write down all of the evidence that does not support the belief. And the evidence that you write down MUST BE BASED IN FACTS. Not speculation, conjecture, or ideas about what other people might think of you. Facts. Cold hard facts that you could use in a court of law.
After reviewing the evidence for and against your negative belief, develop an alternative thought that takes into account all of the evidence that you see.
So, "I'm a bad person" might turn into "I'm as good a person as anyone else" or "I've tried hard to be a good person all of my life."
The thought, "I'm fat, so I'm ugly" might turn into, "I may be dissatisfied with my current weight, but I'm doing really well in many other areas of my life."
And so on.
This is a gradual process. Do not try to jump to an alternative belief that feels wrong. Monitor your emotions as you do this exercise. When you find an alternative thought that brings you relief, then practice that thought for a little bit before shifting again.
It's unrealistic to expect your thinking to go from distorted and mean to clean and sparkly and pure in one exercise. The same applies to emotions. The only thing that can take you from mega-depression to elation is a chemical substance - and then you'll crash again. If you gradually shift your thinking and gently reach for the most relief you can find in that moment, you will steadily climb the stairs from depression, to sadness, to dissatisfaction, to hope, to optimism, to happiness, to joy. This does not have to take a long period of time, but be patient with yourself. It can take days to weeks to months to shift particularly sticky, negative beliefs.
I'm happy to consult on beliefs that are particularly sticky, so please feel free to share in the comments!
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