Where does your mind live? NegativeTown, USA?

Man oh man. I've been around some really negative people lately. It comes with the territory given that I'm highly empathetic and feel other people's emotions quickly and strongly. I have my own tendency to get critical and negative, and that can get exacerbated by the people I'm around. Given that I work with people trying to feel better, I get my share of negativity at work, as well as with family and friends.

It's one of my own personal goals this year to 1) encourage the growth of more positivity in my social life and 2) to reduce the impact another person's negativity has on me.

I'd like to talk a little bit about how to reduce the impact of others' negativity in this post in case some of you are trying the same thing.

First, as an empathetic person, I have a habit of wanting to help and fix other people's feelings. Not a good plan! It never works and it just ends up in me bending over backwards to try to cheer people up when they aren't ready for it or enjoying it. And then, surprise, surprise, I end up getting resentful and annoyed that they aren't taking my damn awesome help (sarcasm).

 

I've read and agree with the following idea. If you are taking responsibility for helping someone else, you are basically saying underneath all of that "helpfulness" that you know better. And that's arrogant and condescending. You do not necessarily know better. And no matter what you do, you can't help someone unless they want to be helped. So, if someone is being negative around you, remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to help or cheer them up. If they ask you for help, go for it if you want to. Otherwise, shut up! Here are tactics for not jumping in with "helpfulness":

• Ask them if they just want to vent and give yourself permission to stay silent
• Change the subject
• Excuse yourself to go to the restroom or another room
• Express your desire to focus more positively and ask to talk about something that is going well
• Become suddenly very interested in a project completely unrelated to the conversation - making dinner, walking a dog, making a fire, making some cocktails, doing dishes, cleaning up, and so on...

Another thing that tends to help is to understand the other person's negativity. Human beings for the longest time had to be negative. By focusing on the worst case scenario, identifying the problems and obstacles for ourselves, we were able to design solutions. Unfortunately, many of us get stuck in focusing on the problem. We get focused on having to identify all the intricacies of the awfulness of our current situation, economy, political dilemma, or work crisis. This feels more empowered than simply getting overwhelmed - we can vent and get it out of us. Those who are stuck in venting may feel powerless to change or powerless to identify solutions or contribute to change. Therefore, by staying stuck in the "awareness raising" mode of venting, they feel some form of power or satisfaction that they are doing something about the problem. Most of the time, of course they're not, they're simply preaching to the choir of other disempowered venters, but hey, at least they are trying.

So, keeping their negativity in perspective can help. However, even this doesn't help me much of the time. You can try to shift attention and conversation to solutions, but sometimes people will want to stay stuck in the problem. This focus is not effective and only will make the person feel crappy, but remember step #1 - it's still not your responsibility to fix their feelings.

In your time with people who tend to be problem-focused, work on actively focusing on the highest version of them as possible to improve your ability to call forth their most positive versions. We are all constantly reinforcing each other, so reinforce other people's positive energy. Compliment them on jobs well done, praise them when you hear a story that feels really good to talk about. Focus on what you want and it will grow.

Yup, I did it - an Oprah Winfrey quote. Because, why not, she's pretty awesome.