The Scary Part of Free Time

It's pretty typical in Western culture to be dissatisfied with the 9-to-5 lifestyle. More and more people are wishing to design their own hours, work when inspired to work, and take care of their other desires and responsibilities when it fits best with their schedules.

This is a big desire of my own. I love working when I feel energized and motivated towards it - work happens so much more quickly in those moments. Fortunately, my jobs have almost always been quite hands-off and relaxed about scheduled hours. I've always enjoyed that and in recent years I've wanted even more flexbility and freedom.

(Hint: This is how humans are designed. Once you achieve one level of your dream, you will start craving the next level. It's the wonderful way that we are constantly motivated to grow and experience new joys.)

During this January, I have embarked on a greater level of freedom. It's a temporary reprieve from my typical work responsibilities, and it's a work-sanctioned break because of interviews I have to complete around the country. Once February rolls around, I expect to go back to my typical flexible schedule that is a bit more restrained that my current schedule. So, this January is an opportunity, or a test of sorts, for how I can handle all of this free time.

Free time is typically pretty tough for me. I sit around wishing and hoping and resenting obligations that I'm not excited about... and then a wide open day on the weekend will hit. And I'll freeze. The opportunities and choices and potential of the day stops me in my tracks. What can happen is that I often:

          a) decide the whole house needs to be cleaned and lose myself in that for several hours;
          b) decide that now's the time that I can finally catch up on all of those backlogged shows on Netflix - also       
              losing several hours;
          c) decide that it's time to solve that "project" that my mind suddenly decided was very important.

Typically these projects that my mind comes up with are very time-consuming, have no clear end point, are motivated by some form of insecurity, and involve online shopping.

What all of these options are, clearly, is procrastination. Procrastination can disguise itself so well! At least in my opinion. From the outside, it's probably pretty obvious. I'm run away from the anxiety that shows up when I have some space and time to do exactly what I want...

 
"Exactly what I want" - that's daunting! So many of us participate in the "rat race" and constantly bemoan that others are keeping us from what we want. But, is that really true? Chances are you're choosing to stay stuck because staying stuck feels safer than the anxiety of the unknown and the limitless.

Oh, Milton...* 

So, here I am, in a much more wide open field than I was in during 2013. This is temporary, so it's a safe time to try things out. I want this type of lifestyle to become my full-time lifestyle and if I do things well (read: do not fall into timesucks every single day), it'll help me believe that I can be successful on my own.

Here are some strategies I am using to help keep me on task:

• First, I gave up Facebook, which I had already known was a very unhelpful timesuck to me. That's just me. Before you jump into unstructured freedom, take a look at what activities you engage in when procrastinating or avoiding anxiety. See if they are actually helpful or if you are simply losing a lot of time to something that doesn't benefit you.
• I find it helpful to list my intentions at the beginning of the day - especially weekend days. You don't have to do this religiously, but even doing it several times a week helps me keep my mind on task for those off days. 
•  Please note: I did not say make yourself a "to do" list. Make yourself an Intentions List. These are things that you intend to do, see, or feel and if you do not get to them, it's OK. Also, put lots of positive items on the list - things you enjoy. I really like dancing in the shower to start my day, so I put "dance" on my intentions list every time. Find things that really brighten you and help you shine, and make sure some of those are on your list. 
• If you find yourself in a web of procrastination, try to acknowledge it. It's OK. It happens to everyone and it's very natural. There is a reason why people are so stuck in the 9-to-5 lifestyle. It's safe and secure and you know what to expect. This is something new and it takes courage to try it out and stay with it. 
• Seek support from people who can give great advice about this lifestyle. My primary recommendation: 4-Hour Work Week.
• Get some sunlight each day. If you're working at home, you can get isolated and removed from nature pretty quickly. Get outside and enjoy your surroundings. 

Let me know how it goes! How exciting to be getting more and more of what we want. :)

*Office Space reference - such a funny movie.

Where does your mind live? NegativeTown, USA?

Man oh man. I've been around some really negative people lately. It comes with the territory given that I'm highly empathetic and feel other people's emotions quickly and strongly. I have my own tendency to get critical and negative, and that can get exacerbated by the people I'm around. Given that I work with people trying to feel better, I get my share of negativity at work, as well as with family and friends.

It's one of my own personal goals this year to 1) encourage the growth of more positivity in my social life and 2) to reduce the impact another person's negativity has on me.

I'd like to talk a little bit about how to reduce the impact of others' negativity in this post in case some of you are trying the same thing.

First, as an empathetic person, I have a habit of wanting to help and fix other people's feelings. Not a good plan! It never works and it just ends up in me bending over backwards to try to cheer people up when they aren't ready for it or enjoying it. And then, surprise, surprise, I end up getting resentful and annoyed that they aren't taking my damn awesome help (sarcasm).

 

I've read and agree with the following idea. If you are taking responsibility for helping someone else, you are basically saying underneath all of that "helpfulness" that you know better. And that's arrogant and condescending. You do not necessarily know better. And no matter what you do, you can't help someone unless they want to be helped. So, if someone is being negative around you, remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to help or cheer them up. If they ask you for help, go for it if you want to. Otherwise, shut up! Here are tactics for not jumping in with "helpfulness":

• Ask them if they just want to vent and give yourself permission to stay silent
• Change the subject
• Excuse yourself to go to the restroom or another room
• Express your desire to focus more positively and ask to talk about something that is going well
• Become suddenly very interested in a project completely unrelated to the conversation - making dinner, walking a dog, making a fire, making some cocktails, doing dishes, cleaning up, and so on...

Another thing that tends to help is to understand the other person's negativity. Human beings for the longest time had to be negative. By focusing on the worst case scenario, identifying the problems and obstacles for ourselves, we were able to design solutions. Unfortunately, many of us get stuck in focusing on the problem. We get focused on having to identify all the intricacies of the awfulness of our current situation, economy, political dilemma, or work crisis. This feels more empowered than simply getting overwhelmed - we can vent and get it out of us. Those who are stuck in venting may feel powerless to change or powerless to identify solutions or contribute to change. Therefore, by staying stuck in the "awareness raising" mode of venting, they feel some form of power or satisfaction that they are doing something about the problem. Most of the time, of course they're not, they're simply preaching to the choir of other disempowered venters, but hey, at least they are trying.

So, keeping their negativity in perspective can help. However, even this doesn't help me much of the time. You can try to shift attention and conversation to solutions, but sometimes people will want to stay stuck in the problem. This focus is not effective and only will make the person feel crappy, but remember step #1 - it's still not your responsibility to fix their feelings.

In your time with people who tend to be problem-focused, work on actively focusing on the highest version of them as possible to improve your ability to call forth their most positive versions. We are all constantly reinforcing each other, so reinforce other people's positive energy. Compliment them on jobs well done, praise them when you hear a story that feels really good to talk about. Focus on what you want and it will grow.

Yup, I did it - an Oprah Winfrey quote. Because, why not, she's pretty awesome.

Clear the Clutter

When was the last time you did nothing?

I mean, really. did. nothing. No TV, no newspaper, no computer, no smartphone, no music... can you remember the last time? And when you're sleeping doesn't count!

Has it been a while? Or has it been never? What about trying now?

Our minds are like cluttered, dusty, hoarder's attics. They are stocked to the brim with questions, worries, stories, ideas, yearnings, fantasies... it's all piled up on itself like a dirty garage sale that no one is attending. Take a look at these images:

What are some of the feelings that show up? I feel overwhelmed, claustrophobic, anxious, and icky when I look at these pictures. And that's how I feel when my mind is clogged up with clutter. When we see these images, we have this automatic impulse to clear things up. The same thing happens with our minds.

However, Western culture teaches us distraction, distraction, distraction. As soon as you sit down with nothing to do, the wheels start turning and most people are quick to pull up Facebook, Instagram, or the CNN reel to quickly distract from the anxiety of feeling their mental clutter crowding in. But, those distractions work only temporarily. The mental clutter sticks around and all of it just grows and grows.

There is a cure, though. It takes even less work than cleaning out the garage or tidying the bedroom. All you have to do is sit and be quiet. Eyes closed or open, supposedly doesn't matter (I prefer closed). Sit and be quiet. This is called meditation or mindfulness. Through this exercise, you get to actually look at the clutter that pops up. So many people are anxious or depressed every single day, primarily because they don't actually examine the clutter that is running through their minds every day. Once you actually are able to sit down, quiet yourself, and listen to the clutter that pops up, you can discard those things that are no longer useful.

I recommend 15 minutes of meditation each day. During meditation you sit in a comfortable spot, quiet your surroundings, and nonjudgmentally attempt to clear your mind. It is impossible to stop thinking all together for an extended period of time, but when thoughts pop up, simply let them pass by without chasing them or feeling the need to challenge or push them away. When I first started out meditating, I used ocean sounds to help improve my focus. As I got more and more comfortable with meditation, I found the ocean sounds to be distracting and preferred silence. Play with it until you find something that will work for you now. And acknowledge that what works for you now will likely change, because that's what it means to be a human being - constant growth.

Meditation has immense benefits. It's been shown to improve cognition and reduce overall stress on the body. It also serves as a great emotion regulation tool. The more in tune you are with your emotions and the better you are at acknowledging and caring for your emotions, the less and less you will feel pushed to reach for other external emotion regulators - cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, food binges, and spending sprees.

Go for it, give it a try. I meditate every day without fail. I like to meditate before bed...

But I've heard wonderful things about the results people find from meditating early in the morning before they start their day...

I enjoy practicing morning writing exercises which serve as another form of verbal mindfulness, which I will share here shortly. I also love these exercises and will gladly wake up 30 minutes early to build them into my morning routine.

When my mood has been steadily up and my body is calm, I experience a full body tingling and glowing feeling when I meditate. It's an amazing feeling and I encourage all of you to try for yourself.

Enjoy.

Down With New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year!!!!

I hope 2014 brings optimism, joy, and excitement to you. You might also experience motivation, drive, and ambition. Once the New Year rolls around, we often experience the energy that comes with mentally "turning over a new leaf" and with that comes all sorts of self-improvement goals, commonly named, New Year's Resolutions.

However, we all know that New Year's Resolutions often quickly run out of steam. One reason for that is that they tend to employ the "cattle prod" method of growth. For how many years of your life have you told yourself that if you just work harder, focus better, have greater discipline, then you'll get what you want? My guess is - many. Why do I guess that? Because you're probably a reader from a Western culture, and those cultures tend to subscribe to a "no pain, no gain" mentality. Other ways this pops up is in thoughts or mottos like, "nothing worth doing is easy" and "work hard, play hard".

So, we go from celebration...

To determination....

and often, punishment, self-loathing, and exhaustion...

The most common resolutions are: lose weight, save more/spend less, exercise more, do better in work/get a new job, and eat healthy. These resolutions are usually based on the premise that we need to change something about us. We need to do better, work harder, become a better version of ourselves. I'm all for personal transformation and growth, but let's take it from a better perspective, yes? Also, let's see what Mr. Calvin has to say about this...

 

Ha, I love him.

But, seriously, if your ideas of change for 2014 are based in self-punishment and work harderism - think again. It's not going to be motivating for the long-term. It's important to connect to a deeper meaning of your resolution. Let's take weight loss - so you want to be thinner. Why? Weight loss is a means to an end - you must identify some kind of feeling that you believe you can't have unless your body is physically smaller. Or perhaps it's related to a health outcome such as diabetes or hypertension. So... why? Why weight loss? Here are some common beliefs people have attached to weighing less:

• I'll have more confidence
• I'll be able to wear my old clothes/more fun clothes
• I'll be better able to keep up with my friends/partner/children/grandchildren
• I'll attract the person of my dreams
• I'll show them who's not good enough

And so on...

Identify the why of your resolution and determine if it is based in self-love or based in self-criticism or self-loathing. You will get exhausted and discouraged so quickly if you are running away from your own negative voices. No amount of weight loss (or other achievement) can make them go away, I promise. If you think you're not good enough at 180 lbs., your mind will just adjust and say you're not good enough a 160 lbs., or with this job, or with this partner, and so on.

If your resolution is based in self-love (it feels good), then go for it. You will achieve great things. The more you can connect your resolution with loving and appreciating yourself, the more successful you will be.

And, you could also be like me, and take a continual, daily approach to self-improvement that is motivated by self-love and celebration of the possibilities of how awesome your life can be. Celebrate the fresh perspective of January, celebrate the champagne, the fireworks, and the kisses, and live each day with an aim towards mastering your own life and your own true passions. It's a wonderful life. :)

Creativity: I've been blocked.

It's been a while! And there's a reason for that - I've been blocked. Heard this word "blocked" before? I had - I'd heard it described as "writer's block" and I had previously considered it to be (excuse the judgments) phony, flakey, wishy washy language. I didn't get it before, but I get it now.

I've only ever heard of being "blocked" among artistic circles, but I think it absolutely applies to any situation in which a human being is trying to "produce" something - whether that be a song, a painting, an opinion in a meeting, an insight in therapy, a meal, a baked good... and so on. For me, I was and still am for the most part, completely blocked in my research life. Which is a big part of my life currently.

Being "blocked" is kind of like feeling paralyzed in a particular area. You can move and speak about all sorts of things unrelated to your project of focus, but once you get towards trying to make progress towards your goal, you just can't. It feels impossible. It feels awful. You start making alllll sorts of excuses. Procrastination comes in the form of all sorts of things, whether it be "healthy" like exercising or taking baths or reading, or unhealthy, like drinking or oversleeping. I put quotes around "healthy" there to signify that while those habits are great for you, if they are in the service of actively avoiding something you are blocked around, it's not going to do as much good as it could. Then, once your latest procrastination strategy is complete or finished, you're back to that same old paralyzed feeling of anxiety and guilt and anger.

You may have felt a wave of indifference come on about this project. "I don't care anyways. This isn't what I truly want to do. This is a waste of time. These people judging me don't know what they're talking about anyways..." or "I'm so terrible, no one will read or look or listen to this anyways, what's the point of even trying?" and so on and so on.

I read about being blocked this week in The Artist's Way, a great book about creativity. It suggested two primary things to do when feeling blocked.

First, ask for help. Just ask for freaking help! Everyone has experienced this at some point or other, and many people use this as an excuse to run away entirely. You can do that, but you may have regrets. If you want to move through and past this block, ask others what they have done when they have hit walls in their productivity or creative process. You might find that one of your teachers or people you admire might have some really helpful insights.

Second, acknowledge that there are fears blocking you. They may be fears of failure, fears of success, or both. Either way, those fears are blocking your way completely and until you are able to identify and name the monsters (fears) blocking your path, you are going to be stuck. Take some time to answer the following questions about the project that you are stuck on:

1. What are all the resentments you have towards this project? No matter how big or small or seemingly petty, write all the things that make you angry about this project and anyone it is connected to.

2. What are all the things you're scared about with this project and anyone connected to it? Scared of failing? Scared of succeeding and what that might mean for you?

3. Did you miss anything? Anything other hang ups about this project?

4. What are you gaining by avoiding this project? Sympathy from others? Avoiding criticism, judgment, or failing? How is this block truly benefitting you? It must be benefitting you in some way (even a small way), otherwise you wouldn't be avoiding.

This exercise has helped me so far. Just today, I submitted an abstract to a conference and started revising a paper to submit. Also, I'm here, writing on this blog. It's been a while since I've been willing to go anywhere near any of these projects, so this is good progress.

Here's to naming our monsters and moving forward even though they might still be standing there!

 

Are you running on empty?

When you're driving down the street and you see this on your dashboard, what do you do?

Let me guess. You...

1. Ignore it.
2. Tell your car to stop being stupid, suck it up, and keep going.
3. Tell your car that it can get gas after it gets to to your next destination.
4. Think about all the other people who should have taken care of this for you.
5. Blame others for your empty gas tank.

Or, do you...

      6. Just fill the gas tank?

My guess is that your typical choice is #6. It's possible you spend time blaming others for using your car and using up your gas, but chances are even if that comes up, you inevitably go to the gas station and deal with the situation.

And why is that?

Because your car freaking needs gas and that's a clear situation you have to and can fix (assuming you have a gas station in your vicinity, and a few bucks to throw at the meter).

If you don't fill up your gas tank, most likely this is what is going to happen next:

Yup, you're going to be stuck on the side of the road, out of luck, potentially with only a toddler to give you a hand. Luckily, this is the type of thing that is easily avoided by regularly refueling your tank well before the light even comes on!

This is the same exact thing that's needed for us humans. We all need refueling. Chances are you are well acquainted with the fact that we all need to eat food and drink water. These are requirements of human functioning.

That's not all, though. We also need:

• sleep
• affection
• recognition
• hobbies
• creativity
• pursuits
• goals
• interests
• entertainment
• connection
• among other things!

There are a number of categories of refueling that we need:

1. Emotional refueling
2. Intellectual refueling
3. Connection refueling
4. Centering refueling

  Emotional Refueling

• This supports and validates your current emotional state and well-being
• Activities to refuel your emotional well-being
• Journaling
• Calling a friend and sharing your current worries and triumphs
• Yoga
• Listening to music
• Watching an uplifting or meaningful movie
• Cuddling with pets
• Hugging

Intellectual Refueling

• This supports your intellectual pursuits and personal growth
• Activities to refuel your intellectual well
• Reading - novels, nonfiction, magazines
• Finding new blogs to read
• Watching political debates or the news 
• Learning a new language
• Learning about a different culture
• Traveling
• Setting goals

 Connection Refueling

• This supports your connection to other people and to the world
• Activities to refuel your connection to the world
• Organize a dinner or potluck
• Call a friend
• Go to a dance class
• Exercise in a public place where there are others exercising
• Say "hi" to a stranger
• Volunteer at a local animal shelter, soup kitchen, or other organization
• Plan a trip to visit family
• Bake something for your neighbors or invite them over for dinner/drinks
• Go to a local sports event or happy hour

Centering Refueling 

•  This supports your connection to yourself, your dreams and wishes, and your higher power, if you choose to identify with one  
• Activities to refuel your ability to stay centered
• Meditate, meditate, meditate
• Play an instrument
• Paint
• Draw
• Sing
• Go to a yoga class
• Visit a spiritual place - a church, temple, synagogue
• Enjoy nature - the mountains, the beach, a quiet trail
• Pray 

If you practice "topping off" your emotional well-being tanks regularly, instead of waiting for your body to crash with illness or stress or emotional freak outs, you will be far, far better off. You can start working on this today!

Practice one form of refueling from the above lists once a day. Pick an activity that sounds fun and try it out! Use your emotions as your guide to what best helps refuel you and list any other refueling activities you enjoy in the comments below :)

Emotional Avoidance: Strategies

We all use emotional avoidance at some point or other. It's part of being a socially functioning human. It's not possible or appropriate to unload your emotional reactions to everything, in every moment. However, the things we use to avoid our emotions are important. Here is one of the biggest emotional avoidance strategies out there...

Television

Most people have a show or two that they like - maybe even six or seven or many more that they like! Liking entertainment and TV is not a problem in and of itself. However, it is pretty common for people to use TV like a numbing agent. Instead of thinking over what they actually need and want in the moment, they plonk down on the couch and assume the zombie position.

Next time you feel yourself drawn to the TV, ask yourself, what do you really want?

• Want to laugh? Then don't just channel surf, pick something you know that is hilarious to you - whether that's Brian Regan, Louis CK, Modern Family, or Ren and Stimpy. Pick a program that gets you laughing.

• Want to "relax"? Well, let's talk about what "relaxing" means to you. I hear that word thrown around all the time - it's a buzz word and a lot of people don't really know what aspect of "relaxing" they are trying to achieve.
• Do you mean you want to quiet your mind? Try some of these activities which might quiet your mental chatter down better than the TV
• Meditation
• Giving yourself a massage
• Mindfulness exercises using a sensory object like a scented candle
• Stretching
• Exercising
• The TV is only putting MORE information IN - which will not quiet down your mind. It simply will not work beyond the time when your eyes are glued to the screen. 

• Do you mean you want to physically relax your muscles?
• Massage
• Exercise
• Stretch
• Warm bath or shower
• The TV will not physically relax your muscles - it just won't.

• Do you mean you just don't want to be working?
• Cook a nice dinner
• Go out to dinner
• Get involved with a creative project - draw, paint, dance, sing, make music
• Take a walk
• What else might you want from the TV? Want to smile? What makes you smile? Is it stories about families? Documentaries about animals? It's possible that some of the activities below might get you more of a long-lasting smile...
• Call a family member - an aunt, uncle, grandparent with whom you haven't connected in a while
• Call a close friend
• Go get coffee with an acquaintance to get to know them better

• Bake something for co-workers or friends
• Spend time with your own or a neighbor's pet
• Want some excitement?!?!?! Go on and pick a program that's exciting to you, but you can also factor in some of these activities to build more real exciting activities into your life
• Take some kind of risk. Try something new. Do any of these things sound risky to you?
• Public speaking? Take a class
• Meeting new people? Find something on meetup.com
• Outdoor adventures? Find a local hike to do, sign up for a windsurfing class
• Creating? Take an art class - learn to throw clay or draw

 

• Dress like you're someone exciting - do some of your favorite characters dress in a way that seems exciting, interesting, unique? Do that yourself! Make a new combination out of clothes you already have.  
  
• Want to connect with family members or your partner?
• Ask them how their day was - ask about their hopes and dreams and goals
• Play a board game 
• Plan a trip together
• Physically connect!

Take a look this week at how you're using the TV. If you're using it for some of the above reasons... think about substituting. The TV can be a good for certain forms of entertainment, but it isn't likely to bring much substance and quality to your life. This doesn't mean you need to throw the TV out the window, but start trying to add in some of the above activities and notice how it affects your mood and overall health.

Feel more, do less. :)