Forgiveness: Essential to Emotional Freedom

Almost every single one of us walks around with a hidden pile of resentments and hurts lingering in the back of our minds. Those grudges can be quite easily accessible in certain relationships, such as with a partner with whom we always bicker, or can be stuffed back in the recesses of our memory from experiences we had as children or adolescents.

These resentments serve to drag our potential down. There is a saying, it takes two to make a prisoner. There is no such thing as a singular prisoner. There is the prisoner, and then there is the jailer. If you are holding resentments towards another person, you are holding them in a kind of prison in your mind. And, unfortunately, the side effect of this is that you are serving as the jailer. You hold the key, keeping them present in your mind. If this person is currently still in your life, chances are you are even more like a jailer in that you are likely constantly watching the prisoner, waiting for them to misstep again, further supporting your reason to hold resentment.

Another saying is that if you are keeping someone "on the hook" for something, you're automatically stuck on the hook, too. In order to take yourself off the hook and let go of that painful memory, you have to let them off the hook, too.

This isn't a conscious process, but it's a human process. If we can shine a flashlight on these mental processes, we can get better at holding the key to deliberately reshaping our thinking, and therefore our experience of our reality.

Sometimes the idea of forgiving an offender would make us balk. "But I could never forgive. It was too awful, too terrible. That person is too bad; I refuse to forgive."

It is true that some things in our lives can feel awful and terrible. Forgiveness does not require you to like or include that person in your life any longer. Forgiveness is a tool for releasing yourself. Ask yourself, what are the advantages to holding onto this resentment, anger, and rage?

And what are the disadvantages? In what ways might this resentment be holding me back?

Typically, one of the advantages is that people feel justified in being hurt. They also might, in an unconscious way, find a benefit in remaining a "victim" in their own mind. However, forgiveness does not require you to negate any suffering you experienced. And it also doesn't force you to change any particular behaviors.

Some of the disadvantages of not forgiving is it keeps us stuck in the past. Also, it keeps you "bound" to something to want to push away. Our resentment is a form of attachment, tying us to those who we dislike or who we think have hurt us in some way. The stronger you resent, the more present will reminders and memories of this hurt be. Resentment keeps the past alive, forgiveness releases it and lets you move on.

As you go through your daily life, notice where resentment pops up. A need for forgiveness may also pop up as jealousy, self-righteousness, and contempt. Notice these feelings when they show up - they are telling you something important.

Feel more, do less :)

Creativity: Blocked by the "No Pain, No Gain" Mentality

I noticed several flawed forms of logic I've been walking around with in an experience I had recently. I had decided to get myself a massage. It felt very luxurious and wonderful to schedule it. I found myself thinking, "I deserve this. I've had a very stressful month."

And that made me stop - why do I only deserve a nice massage after a stressful month? Of course, that's a great way to reward yourself, but it also implies that after a stressful month is the only time I "deserve" a massage or other treat. This line of thinking sets me up to only engaging in self-care after "tough" times, rather than engaging in it regularly simply because it's nice and helps sustain me at the best version of me possible.

I was quick to notice this line of thinking. Well, that probably isn't entirely true, because I'm pretty sure I've been carrying this logic with me for most of my adolescent/adult life. But, hey, at least I noticed it eventually!

I am now working on releasing that limiting set of beliefs in favor of a much more open, allowing version of those beliefs: I deserve and can enjoy nice things whenever, wherever, simply because I exist. However, that doesn't mean that I will walk around entitled or selfish, taking from others because I "deserve" it. Instead, it means I can flexibly engage in self-care every single day, rather than only once I've surmounted some major challenge or problem.

So, off I go to my massage. I love going to these types of places. I will purposefully get there a little early so I can enjoy the ambience of a cushy waiting room, stocked with cucumber water, ambient music, and tons of magazines that I rarely would buy for myself. (Although, another victory! I just recently got myself subscriptions to two magazines so I'll be regularly enjoying these activities in my own home!)

The massage table was heated which was amazing and delicious. I could feel myself melting into the table. Once the masseuse came in, she quickly went to work relaxing my back muscles. It was great. And then my mind starting chattering, as it loves to do. "Should I ask her to use more pressure? It's not hurting. I really want this to detox my body, to clear me out, and it probably has to hurt to do that, right? She should probably be using more pressure to make this worth it. I really want this to help..." and so on and so on and so on. Finally, I realized this and started silently talking back to my worrying:

"STOP! It does not have to HURT in order to do something good for you! Let go of the No Pain, No Gain mentality!"

I reflected on that a bit more and realized how much time I spend focusing on how much an activity "hurts" (emotionally, physically, cognitively) and how that must make it worthwhile. I don't do this consciously, but it is very often that I will see a high value experience or item inherently require a significant cost to me whether in time, energy, money, morale, or effort.

I also know that this severely limits our ability to be creative beings. By focusing on how something "good" has to hurt, we stifle our ability to create. We stifle our ability to show up, to practice, to try, because if we do anything "good" it is likely to be painful in some way.

How does the No Pain, No Gain mentality block you? Chances are it's stifling you in some way - what are those ways? Practice releasing the requirement to be hurt in the pursuit of things you love and enjoy and see what good can flow to you in a way that feels great.

Enhance Your Creativity Through "Noise" Reduction

Julia Cameron, the creativity guru and best-selling author of The Artist's Way has helped to promote the idea of reducing the stimulation you take in to improve your ability to create. As you reduce your input, you can increase your output. In her book, she recommends taking a reading fast for one week. In my current work, it was difficult for me to achieve a full week, but in the few days that I practiced it, I felt such a lightness and brightness. It felt great to clear my mind and reduce the number of words and media sources I was allowing to inundate me every day.

Shawn Achor, psychology and happiness research, also recommends a reduction in media input, or "noise". He suggests that gains are made even with a 5% reduction in noise. What would be 5%? Well if you take a 12-hour day, 5% of that day would be 36 minutes. You could shoot for ~40 minutes of reduced noise. Turn off the TV, close the laptop, silence your phone and do something else instead.

Some people are at a loss for what to do without media input given how we are constantly surrounded and distracted by it every day. Here are some ideas: dance, sing, draw, clean, mend, iron, walk, run, bike.

Accidental Delight - Facebook-Free Lifestyle

While my favorite exercise was the reading fast recommended by Julia Cameron, I have recently (accidentally) experimented with my own significant form of noise reduction. During the last round of privacy setting updates, I decided to leave Facebook and shut down my profile. I was dissatisfied with my inability to keep my photos private, but more importantly, I started finally realizing how I was not feeling happy or fulfilled during my time on that site. I would usually use the site to procrastinate other projects, and it ended up becoming a lengthy voyeuristic sojourn into the (filtered) lives of people I hadn't had contact with in years and years. And maybe hardly ever. I had quite a few "friends" from college that I had never even truly been friends with - and they were some of the most active profiles on my Newsfeed. So I had tons of information on these people that I had never even really known! Bizarre and unnecessary. So, I closed my profile and decided I needed some space.

It's been a good ride. Most of the time I don't think about it. However, today I had to finish a writing project and I didn't love it. I kept looking for excuses to procrastinate, but this was the first real project I had undertaken since I had closed my access to Facebook. I went on a website or two, but neither of those were nearly the timesuck of Facebook. I realized that my procrastination was far less drawn out and meandering being off of Facebook. Sure, it was tempting to go on and distract myself with stories on people's profiles, but I just didn't feel like having to go in and get my profile up and running again to gain that access. Excellent deterrant.

Do I feel less connected to the people I love? Nope, not at all. Once in a while a friend will say, "Hey, are you not on Facebook anymore? I tried to tag a photo of you..." At this point, I say, "nope" and ask to see said photo on their phone in that moment. We share the moment in-person and that feels even better in my opinion.

Is this a recommendation to get off of Facebook? Not at all. It's a good tool for many people - I simply found it was no longer what I wanted in my life. For now, Facebook-free works for me.

My main point is reduce the noise in your life - notice where you spend your time, both physically and virtually. If some of those places do not truly serve you (do not make you feel better or inspire you), then play with letting them go for a while. Enjoy a bit of mental clarity. :)

The Beauty of Luxury

What feels luxurious to you? For me, many things. I love Starbucks iced lattes. I love slow mornings. I love soft fabrics and interesting textures. I love candles. I love getting time to enjoy foggy days. I love having a nice car and not needing to use it very much.

However, not long ago, I wouldn't have been able to truly tell you the things I thought were luxurious. Or, if I did, I would have told you things with an air of contempt. Why? Because I was languishing in denial for a while.

What was the purpose of my denial? It wasn't conscious. I didn't realize I was doing it, but whenever I saw an item I wanted, I felt angry and jealous. What was underneath that? (Hint: it's fear. There's always some kind of fear underneath anger and jealousy.)  I believed I was never going to be able to get the things that I wanted. It felt awful to be in contact with those emotions - fear that I'll never get what I want, anger and jealousy towards those people who did have what I wanted. So, in turn, I gathered together contempt for things I actually wanted. (Again, this is not a conscious process - it's emotional and so very, very quick.)

I would roll my eyes at Starbucks and dislike them for being "corporate" - whatever that means. I would glorify shopping in secondhand stores and see people who got new clothing as wasteful. I would see nice houses and ample space as "frivolous." I spent a lot of time focusing on how luxury items and experiences were selfish, frivolous, and superficial. It felt crappy and I felt poor, but it felt better than being scared and jealous all the time.

Note: this is what denial is. It is a place of relief (even if that relief isn't all that great) until you are ready to really own up to your true feelings and the beliefs driving them.

Finally, I realized that this contempt wasn't serving me and that I truly did want nice things in my life. I started to play with luxury items. And by luxury, I mean luxurious to me. Through my denial I had developed a very ascetic perspective on money and life, so I had to go slowly for it to be comfortable.

I started incorporating items that made me happy, just because. Candles represent that for me - they are purely decorative and for enjoyment. They serve no other purpose (given that we have electricity) besides making an area more pleasant to the senses. I started going on walks with a friend at work and she introduced me to the glory of iced lattes. I'd only ever had hot lattes before and was completely in love with them over ice. Not only did I get to connect with this wonderful soul, Cathy, but I got to enjoy something that felt truly luxurious - cafe-produced espresso drinks.

As I kept playing with luxury, I was able to see the beliefs that had been underneath my jealousy all of those years. I had distorted beliefs about money being evil. Those who had money were categorized as selfish and mean in my mind. I started to counteract those beliefs by realizing that my being poor served no one and feeling deprived and grumpy served no one, as well. I also started learning more about the immense good that can come from money - and if you have lots of money (ahem, Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation), then you can produce lots of good things. I also started recognizing all of the wonderful things that come from companies and corporations - technology has advanced immensely through a for-profit private sector.

I keep bringing more and more luxury into my life and am loving it. It's important to do this gradually and in a way that feels purely good. It won't be helpful to you or your belief structure if you just go on spending sprees that are not based in what is truly feasible for your income. Notice any time you disparage or roll your eyes at the spending of someone else - what's really going on there? If you are deeming something frivolous, you may have a limiting belief that's coming up and is asking for your attention.

What do you find luxurious? It doesn't have to depend on lots or any money. Long walks, time to read a library book, time with friends or family, all of these things can be forms of luxury.

To close this post, here are some luxurious images for you to enjoy. I encourage you to collect some of your own. :)

 

Add some luxury to your life today. It's good for you and everybody else - I promise. :)

The Pitfalls of So-Called "Just Think Positive" Thoughts

I've heard this so many times from clients. "I'm just trying to stay positive." "Positive energy is what I want." "I don't want to think negative."

The intention here is to feel better. To think more balanced thoughts. To be happier. I get that and I completely support that intention.

However, the "just think positive" method isn't going to get you there. Unspoken and implied in the "just think positive" method is "don't think negative!" There's a silent admonishment of negative thoughts and feelings. Many of my clients blame themselves and feel guilty for thinking negative thoughts on a regular basis. And, unfortunately, the "just think positive" method doesn't truly change those thoughts.

"Just think positive" relies on denial. It relies on you denying that you are actually feeling crappy about a certain thing. By denying and trying to push away the negative feelings and thoughts, you make those negative thoughts and feelings confusing, vague, and unknown. It's like having a cavity in your tooth and you don't know how big it is, but you're just going to put a glaze of white frosting over the tooth so it looks OK. It's also like trying to fight in a boxing match, but you don't know how big your opponent is, or where he is, or what he's doing!

Here's another metaphor to help. If a builder wants to build a beautiful home, the builder must take a look at the foundation and the land. Are there holes in the ground? Is the ground level? Stable? Are there places to start laying the foundation and the beginning beams where they will be secure?

By saying to yourself, "just think positive" you are ignoring the foundational level. You are trying to build a beautiful house of positive thoughts, feelings, and energy, but the beautiful elements you add to the house are just going to keep slipping down into the sink hole until you actually take a look at your foundation.

That's sad to see, right? What a beautiful home. That builder spent tons of energy designing this gorgeous home, painting it a lovely blue and building a front porch for enjoyment. But, all of that positively-focused energy is misled by not allowing adequate time to build up the foundation and clear it of termites, fill in the holes, and assure that it is sound and stable.


So, how do we strengthen our emotional foundation? Well, first with patience. When you feel a negative emotion, your first reaction will likely be to deny it. That's a natural human response to negative feelings, and it's OK to entertain that process for a brief amount of time (for most circumstances, I'm talking hours, days, maybe weeks - not years). Once the denial period has outlasted its helpfulness for you (which you will sense over time), it's time to allow yourself to feel those negative feelings and look at the negative thoughts that are coming up. What do those negative thoughts tell you about your mental filters? What do those negative thoughts tell you about the beliefs that you're walking around with? Are those beliefs really helping you? Maybe it's time to let them go.

Our foundational beliefs are so, so important. Please don't neglect them and ignore them using the "just think positive"/("don't think negative") method. Positive thoughts will come. But, first thing's first: take a look at the negative thoughts so you can gain insight into the distorted beliefs that are producing them!

I don't know about you, but this is the kind of emotional house I want to build. And if I get to live in one that looks like this in the physical world, I'm all for that! :)

How To Shift Those Distorted, Limiting Beliefs

If you haven't read my last post about how to identify negative, limiting beliefs, I suggest you do so now. It'll help you get the foundation of monitoring and identifying limiting beliefs.

As I mentioned before, our beliefs structure how we view the world? How so? By selectively pulling in the information that we notice, process, and use to determine our next thoughts, words, and actions. The human brain receives over 11 million pieces of information every SECOND! That is, literally, insane. We are not able to process that much information at any one time - what to know what we do instead? Each of our brains choose 40 pieces of information per second to process. What that means is that we are not paying attention to 10,999,60 pieces of information every second. How does the brain choose? It's not consciously, I can assure you of that. Your brain chooses for you, but what it chooses is based on is our mental filters... also known as our beliefs.

Here are some examples:

You've probably experienced this when you've been in a state that makes you scared. All of a sudden, you notice you're home alone, and your belief that "the world is dangerous" or "bad things happen in the dark" gets activated. Then, your brain starts filtering in all of the random bumps, scratches, and noises in your home. Suddenly shadows that you never would have noticed catch your eye and you focus intently to figure out what they are. In these moments, your brain is pulling in the information that matches the belief, "the world is dangerous."

This also happens when people have beliefs that they are socially awkward, leading to feelings of social anxiety. They monitor other people's faces intently for any sign of disapproval. They are intensely focused on their own portrayal and scrutinize their own body for signs of sweating, blushing, and hand shaking. In turn, their brain is so focused on all of his monitoring of self and others, they lose attention on the conversation, thereby leading to awkward pauses or verbal blunders.... and fulfilling the belief that they are socially awkward.

Our reality is also filtered in terms of the possibilities we imagine for ourselves. When we see only one option, we can see only one road. When we are able to broaden our mental filters, we are able to see more options, more roads, more possibilities for ourselves. It's as though the tiny goldfish gets to upgrade to bigger and bigger fish bowls of possibilities.

 

Shawn Achor, a positive psychology researcher, has done research to prove that success (what we are all always seeking) can only come after we achieve happiness. But, happiness can only come after we have adopted beliefs that success and happiness are possible. If you can't believe that success, happiness, fun, and goodness are possible for you, then you will be vastly limited in your ability to see the options available to you and act accordingly.

So how do you shift those beliefs you've identified?

Incrementally, gradually, but powerfully. It's not realistic to move from "I'm a bad person" to "I'm ammmaaazzzziinngg!". Your brain won't believe it. And you won't retain it. 

This is where most of that "just think positive" line of self-help is so massively ineffective. You can't just substitute happy-go-lucky thoughts for big, old, bummer thoughts. It doesn't work that way. You have to gradually shift your thinking in order for it to be effective. And gradual shifting is based in reality.

I find it helpful to write things down or talk out loud. Talking out loud is very effective if you are able to bring someone else in to help you - someone professionally-trained to think broadly and objectively, such as a psychologist, therapist, coach, or counselor.

First, write down the belief that is holding you back. 

Next, write down all of the evidence that is in your reality that supports that belief. Then, write down all of the evidence that does not support the belief. And the evidence that you write down MUST BE BASED IN FACTS. Not speculation, conjecture, or ideas about what other people might think of you. Facts. Cold hard facts that you could use in a court of law. 

After reviewing the evidence for and against your negative belief, develop an alternative thought that takes into account all of the evidence that you see.

So, "I'm a bad person" might turn into "I'm as good a person as anyone else" or "I've tried hard to be a good person all of my life." 

The thought, "I'm fat, so I'm ugly" might turn into, "I may be dissatisfied with my current weight, but I'm doing really well in many other areas of my life." 

And so on. 

This is a gradual process. Do not try to jump to an alternative belief that feels wrong. Monitor your emotions as you do this exercise. When you find an alternative thought that brings you relief, then practice that thought for a little bit before shifting again. 

It's unrealistic to expect your thinking to go from distorted and mean to clean and sparkly and pure in one exercise. The same applies to emotions. The only thing that can take you from mega-depression to elation is a chemical substance - and then you'll crash again. If you gradually shift your thinking and gently reach for the most relief you can find in that moment, you will steadily climb the stairs from depression, to sadness, to dissatisfaction, to hope, to optimism, to happiness, to joy. This does not have to take a long period of time, but be patient with yourself. It can take days to weeks to months to shift particularly sticky, negative beliefs. 

I'm happy to consult on beliefs that are particularly sticky, so please feel free to share in the comments!

Distorted Beliefs: Mental Filters Blocking Your Way

Every single person has beliefs about how the world works, what is possible, and his or her individual role within the world. This means that our dreams, our desires, our fantasies, our ambitions, and our fears and worries are all constrained within the same belief system.

However, our beliefs can be difficult to get a handle on. Why? Because they are so deeply ingrained in how we think and how we behave in the world.

Examining the way we are thinking and focusing on our world is very similar to a fish swimming in water. You have to "jump out" of your thinking to notice it, much the same way that a fish must jump out of water to even notice he is swimming in water. In all other circumstances, the water completely surrounds him, externally and internally.

It's also tricky because as soon as you get a glimpse of your thinking, phmooof! You're right back in it again. In the image above, as soon as the fish realizes it's out of the water, it's going to dive right back in. It will have to keep jumping out again and again to get more and more glimpses at the water. In the same way, you have to continually look for opportunities to look at your thinking.
 

You know what gives you great opportunities? Your emotions. Monitoring your emotions is an amazing way to get those "out of the water" opportunities. Your emotions are driven by your thoughts. As you get better and better at noticing negative emotion states, you will get better and better at monitoring your thoughts. Even trickier, is that your thoughts won't necessarily reveal your beliefs to you immediately. You have to sit with those thoughts and really understand why they are coming to pass.

Let me share a personal example to illustrate this:

I recently spent the winter holidays with lots of family. As is natural, the time came to say goodbye to some of them. I tend to feel uncomfortable around goodbyes - I haven't quite understood it, yet. I'll figure it out soon, but for now, my beliefs underlying my "goodbye reactions" are a little bit of a mystery to me.

Anyways, it was time for a goodbye to an extended family member and I felt uncomfortable, as usual.

We hugged and he said, "great to see you".

I was on autopilot as I often am during goodbyes and said, "good to see you".

I smiled and let go of the hug and pretended to go on my merry way, silently panicking inside...

"He said "great"!!! I said "good"!!! Damn it, what if he thinks I'm insulting him? Damn it, I should've said 'great' back! Why can't I get it together? He probably thinks I hate him. How can I fix this?!...." and so on and so forth... chastising myself for being an obvious idiot...

OK, I know this is a very overblown reaction - but that's what happens with anxiety, right? I spent a while trying to squish the feelings of anxiety away. Until I finally owned up to the reaction. (Of course, all of this is happening inside my head...)

"OK, you're freaking out about this. WHY?"

"Because I always screw things up." Ouch. That's a tough thought to have. Where's that coming from?

"I could have hurt him with my luke warm goodbye." Really? You have that much influence? What else?

"I just feel like a bad person if I don't do things perfectly." So, if you don't do things perfectly, then...

"I'm a bad person." Got it.

It took some work, but I found the distorted belief that was underneath the seemingly random reaction to what from the outside probably looked a like a perfectly fine goodbye exchange. And it doesn't rationally follow if you look at it. I said "good," he said "great,"... and that equals "I'm a bad person"?

Yes. To my distorted beliefs. This is not a rational, intellectual process - it's emotional. As you go through this for yourself, you may see some really windy pathways to your limiting beliefs. That's perfectly OK, the goal is to identify the belief.

For some reason, at some point, I developed the belief that "I'm a bad person" unless I do everything perfectly. How's that for a lose-lose situation? It's totally illogical and off-base, because if I rationally go through it, I'm a perfectly great person, but that belief is still hanging around.

By looking at my emotions, I was able to identify a belief that was dragging me down.

So, the steps to do this on your own are:

1. Monitor your emotions. When a negative emotion shows up...

2. Monitor your thoughts. Ask yourself why you are having this reaction, until...

3. You reach a clear, pure statement about yourself, other people, or the world. Such as;

• I'm a bad person
• The world is dangerous
• Other people hate me

And so on. Chances are you have some really negative, limiting beliefs... and chances are you have some that are not so negative and more innocuous. Either way, these beliefs shape how you view the world, what you think is possible for you, and how you approach your life.

It's time to sweep the corners of our minds and find the distorted beliefs that are holding us back.

Next post, I'll detail how to let go of and substitute the negative beliefs that are getting in your way. What we want to do is keep changing the core beliefs that we use to view the world until our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world are as supportive, effective, and helpful as possible (while being based in your own reality, of course). We can keep changing the water that we're swimming in, little by little.

The result of changing the water you swim in? A new perspective on life, happier feelings, and the ability to think more flexibly about your options and what is possible for you.